#if your brain already allows you a functioning sense of self-reflection

[rowanthestrange]

I appreciate ‘I’ve never found any use in psychologists’ sounds like the refrain of the mad, but consider we might have been a little less mad if the psychologists had in fact tried to be of use.

[yuripoll]

I DID perhaps jinx it when i said the gap was narrowing the other day.... oops. Doing my part to make up for it.

QUALIA THE PURPLE is a deeply compelling hard scifi lesbian romance. On behalf of timeloop lesbians, it gets thrown in with Madoka Magica a lot, but the scifi element feels much more prominent than the gay timeloop factor alone; imo it feels closer to something like Steins;Gate or Zero Escape (guy whos only into zero escape getting into a second scifi: getting some zero escape vibes here...).

The series follows Gaku, who is close friends with a girl called Yukari that sees humans as robots. It makes her come off as strange, and she tends to be ostracised at school, but her perception of the world is as real as anyone else's. To be exact, she can act on the world as if her perception was true. She can fix human bodies with mechanical parts because to her, there's no dictintion.

(gets a bit spoilery below. just a heads up.)

The first half of the series is focused on exploring this concept and how this impacts the people around her. What does it say about Yukari that she doesn't see people as people? What does it mean for the people around her? How would it effect your understanding of yourself and your body to know that it could be pieced together with scrap metal and screws? Some incredibly cool thought experimenting going on. Incredibly cool conceptual body horror. Already at this point a yuri for the ages.

But that's before we hit the half way point, where something shifts: Yukari dies. Yukari dies, and by coincidence, Gaku realises that the phone parts Yukari installed in her allow her to contact parallel universe versions of herself. So she and countless alternate versions of herself band together and consolidate knowledge with one end: finding or creating a universe where Yukari lives... to little success.

As she gets more and more desperate with every failure, her sense of self fractures and the only thing left is that singular goal of saving Yukari. Her actions get more and more dubious, down to abusing a younger girl just to see what would happen, what information she could get from it, which approach was more efficient. Don't want to spoil all the details of this, but it gets really fucked! And very interesting to read.

I do really just love interesting moral quandries and Qualia is just a gold mine for that. Is it possible to meaningfully save someone if you do so by trampling over their autonomy? Is Gaku even a person anymore? Something interesting to be said for how Gaku's thought processes get more and more mechanical as she functionally becomes a quantom computer, reflecting how Yukari sees things. Idk! Pretty awesome! I really loved it.

Very possible to propagandise without shitting on the opponent, but while LOVE-BULLET is very promising and I do really like it, I simply do not think it can do the things to my brain Qualia the Purple did. That shit was craaaazy. Is it even possible to close the gap at this point? Doubtful. But by god we can try..........

Also it's kind of ORVy. ORVish. ORVcore. ORVesque. <- highest honor i could bestow. read orv btw.

SEASON 4 FINALE

NOTE: LOVE-BULLET contains violent scenes and serious injury, as well as non-threatening gun violence and major character death. Qualia the Purple contains frequent bloody but non-graphic violence and depictions of body horror, human experimentation, abuse, bullying, suicide and an inappropriate age gap between two underage characters.

[floatingbook]

On existing (I am my body)

- long overdue, and written in part in light of these posts.

Descartes said “Je pense donc je suis” and from a pragmatic point of view, I think it’s stupid. Or more accurately, irrelevant. Yes, as human being, we think. But that’s not enough to action existence. If you are only your thoughts, then what actions, what interactions do you have with the world? Your thoughts are not enough to act on anything, to create anything, to change anything. Left in the state of thoughts, all the ideas, all the innovations, all the insights you might have might as well not exist in a way, because no one beyond you is aware of it. Yes there is value in knowing something for yourself, but there is also a reason the best kept secrets are the ones nobody knows about, because then functionally they might as well not exist. Practically, we exist because we enact change of the world — in that we alter the current state of the world every moment.

My existence is my body, but I am not the one putting limitations on it. Being my body, my body being me, simply means that if my body was different, I would be a different person. I would not be alive without a body, without my body. It grows with me; time imprints its passage on my body as it does on what would be described as “my mind”, but “the mind” is just another part of the body. It’s a whole. I can’t be separated from my body because I am my body. You don’t have to separate the mind/consciousness/soul or whichever you want to call it from the body. It’s a part of your body, just like your heart is one, and your blood is one, and your immune system. Does science only have limited answers thus far as to how our thoughts, our consciousness, our sense of existence, our intuition, work? Yes. That doesn’t mean that we have to invent something separate from our body to explain it. Being your body doesn’t mean that spirituality is an illusion or that there is no such thing as experiences that can’t quite be explained by science yet.

There’s nothing dehumanising about being our bodies. We are defined as human, as opposed to other animals, because of our bodies; not because we laugh or because of any other behaviours that we can exhibit; our bodies are what make us human and allow us to be classified as such. We are different from machines because of these bodies; we are more than the sum of our parts, especially because that particular assemblage makes it possible for thoughts and reflections and a sense of time and space and morals to exist. I am the source of my creativity, of my motivations, of my intuition, or more accurately, they are part of me, they arise from the body and without it would not exist.

When people state that we have to have a soul, that we are not just a body, I find it very limiting. Who taught you to hate your body? Who taught you that your body makes you nothing more than a machine? Who taught you that having a body, being your body was limiting? Who taught you that the body was not enough? Thinking that you need to have a soul that is distinct from your body, otherwise you are “just a piece of meat to be used”, is a sad representation of your body. As if the body was not worthy. As if you needed a soul to save the body from its lowliness. Why do you believe that being your body is a reduction?

All the hypotheticals where people try to bait each other with “and what if you were born in a different body?” or “what if we put your brain in a different body?” or “i feel like i was born in the wrong body” leave me confused. If I was born in a different body, I would be a different person. I can’t be separated from my body; there is no way that you can take the “floatingbook mind/soul/consciousness” (or whatever you want to call it) and leave just the physical enveloppe behind. If you could put my brain in another person’s body and somehow that could wake up, it would no longer be me nor would it be that other person. Because what makes me me is my whole body; just look at recent research on the brain-gut connection and its potential impacts on depression or autism to see that we don’t have a “mind” that can be separated from the rest of the body. Society and its paradigms can make you feel like there is a disconnect between you and your body, but that’s precisely because you believe that there’s a difference between your “soul” and your body. If you are your body, there’s no need for a disconnect. The self-hatred fostered by patriarchal society becomes evident (tho it’s not easy to get rid of).

The apparent disagreements that I have with some of the posts I linked at the beginning seem to be due with a difference of perception, of point of view. I don’t think that being my body is a limitation. I don’t think that being my body means that I don’t have thoughts or a purpose or creativity or that science already has all the responses.

For centuries, the catholic religion claimed that women had no souls; it’s been less than a century since women have been granted them. I don’t find it revolutionary to pretend, as a woman, that I have a soul. I don’t believe in life after death. The concept of a soul has been used against women and against homosexuals to promise us an eternity of damnation. It is much more comforting to accept that who you are is intimately tied to your body, and that once you die, you do not exist as you once did. 

Down the line, the dichotomy body/soul is dangerous, because it often puts the body in the second place. The concept of soul put our existence solely in the abstract mind and posits that the body is just an extension of that, simply the mean by which we interact with the world. That opens the door to all sorts of abuses, like mistreating your body, punishing yourself physically, thinking that your body is just a vessel that you can wantonly alter to serve your soul’s purpose. It allows men to threaten you with religion and say that your soul will burn in hell if you do not behave and stay meek and silent. It implies that something is handing out souls — because if they don’t arise from the body, they have to come from somewhere. Belief in a separate soul means in practise that you consider the body lesser. Pretending that there is a dichotomy makes it easy to disregard the body, and who does that serve? Men. It’s way easier to push women into diets, into impractical clothing, into self-hatred, if they view their body with contempt.

I have found nothing more healing than realising that I am my body, that there need to be no separation between the “mind” and the “body”. Settling in your own bones, breathing, acknowledging that you have a physical form, that it is how you experience the world. That there need be no disconnect between you and your body, because you and your body are the same thing. I am my body, and this is why, and how, I exist.

[gateway-to-glimmer]

The Twin Peaks Guide to the Occult

A Modern Conceptualization of Magick

I personally don’t believe in magick as most other people do. I see magick as a word for an unexplained variable. I see it as a creative metaphor for things that don’t have an exact definition. I see it as an informal way to question the components of reality. I see it as a way of consciously controlling and understanding your personal psychology.

I often contemplate on narratives, like Twin Peaks, that affect me in a profound way. Shows or books or games that make me feel nostalgic, unsettle me, make me question things, make me long for a different reality. I take that vivid emotional experience and question it. I relate the fictional narrative to my internal and personal experience of the world. I speculate on myself, on others, on the world around me, and redraw my conclusions again and again. This gets me thinking; dreaming; creating. It helps me to understand myself and develop a more nuanced understanding of the world around me. That is what I am attempting to teach here in this guide. I practice from a purely psychological model.

The Components of Narrative

When we watch or create a narrative, there are several main areas that we fixate on. This is likely due to our systems of memory specializing in certain types of data. We have a strong sense of place; we have a strong sense of knowledge for other worlds and their social culture; we have a strong sense of characters and elements that relate to ourselves; we have a strong sense of narrative and time; we have a strong sense of symbolism, theme, and mood. These components are easily linked to our systems of memory; we pay attention to information related to: semantic memory (knowledge of another world, of customs, of information specific to that fictional narrative); episodic memory (we preferentially pay attention to autobiographical details like narrative, character relationships, and places, which also draws on the mind’s preference for separating and compartmentalizing knowledge and functions related to person and place which we see in depersonalization and derealization; this also draws on our ability to engage in social cognition;) associative and emotional memory as well as our linguistic faculties (symbolism, communicative metaphors;) and so on.

In summary, the core components of a narrative are as follows. These components are informed by the way our brain interacts with and stores sensory input. Information is stored along several predictable axes, and it is through these cognitive functions that we are able to interact with and reason about the world.

+ Plot

+ Theme, symbolism, and higher meaning

+ Character

+ Setting and knowledge about this other world

We store memories of fictional stories in a similar manner to memories of real events. In this manner, we take in what we watch and introject our own version of it within ourselves. The way in which we internalize and relate to other narratives is hugely personal and can be used to understand and change elements of ourselves.

A Momentary Existence in the Form of Twin Peaks

To begin, set aside some time where you won’t be disturbed for 30 or more minutes. Try to use the same time for this series of contemplation. When we practice or perform something at the same time over a number of instances, we associate that time with that state of mind. This is useful for developing a distinctive state of mind dedicated to one topic. Thoughts related to that time become abstracted and elaborated from our daily thought process and take on a profound feeling of significance. We use these elaborated states of mind as lenses to modify or artistically translate aspects of our personal psychology.

Some people like using a state dependent memory cue before they engage in any type of occult working. Using cues is useful. It signals to the mind that a specific mental state or behavior is about to occur. Much like practicing at the same time every day, using cues like this can strengthen the resulting ritual state of mind, and can be used to disconnect and reconnect significant thoughts from the self.

Some people use a specific outfit or jewelry just for occult workings. Some people only practice at a specific time of day. Some people use a certain scent of incense, engage in a certain arrangement of rituals, meditate, draw or reflect on a specific symbol, or visit a specific internal place. Some people create different cues for specific rituals and topics. Other people use substances, psychoactive or not, as cues.

When contemplating subjects related to Twin Peaks, I use an internal space themed after Twin Peaks. When we visit a specific place in our mind, particularly if we immerse ourselves in our sense of that place, we modify our sense of time and place. This acts as a powerful state dependent memory cue, and thinking about that internal space brings the atmosphere of Twin Peaks and the topics it inspires us to think about to mind, vividly and immediately. This is useful for some things, particularly in identifying patterns in one’s thoughts.

After watching the show through without analysis on one occasion, begin these series of mental rituals. Begin by spending 10-20 minutes each night in an internal space themed around Twin Peaks. Pick an area that you thought had a particularly Twin Peaks-esque atmosphere; a place that inspires a sense of wonder or nostalgia related to the show. Visualize yourself in this space. Model each of your senses in that place. Walk around and explore for the amount of time you have set aside. Develop a keen sense for this space inside your mind.

Dreams

Dreams have a huge significance in Twin Peaks, and it wouldn’t be right to neglect paying attention to them. Agent Cooper often takes insight from his dreams in the show, and although some of the magick and wonder of his interpretation of his dreams can be explained as a trick of the availability heuristic, as the show goes on dreams increasingly become a window into the beyond - things that lie just beyond understanding and articulation.

Maintain a dream journal as you begin this series of mental exercises and contemplation. After watching the show through for the first time, or if you have already seen the show before, begin rewatching the series starting with Fire Walk With Me. I didn’t truly appreciate this show until the second time I watched it. I loved it the first time, but the true beauty of it didn’t become evident to me quite as keenly on the first vs. the second viewing of the show. Personal preference, I suppose.

A Contemplation of Themes

One of the greatest strengths in engaging in the mental exercises taught in occult traditions is that they allow us to engage with ideas in a novel way. Twin Peaks is a show that is particularly known for having a strong symbolic element to its narrative. Twin Peaks speaks in an artistic and metaphorical way to the viewer, and pausing to think about the subjects it tries to convey is a meaningful exercise.

So where does ritual come into things?

Continue your re-watch of the Twin Peaks. In this post, we will contemplate certain themes and characters through a ritual practice. By engaging with these ideas and reflecting on the mindset of the various parties in this show, we develop our ability to critically reason and engage with ideas in a creative way.

Before contemplating or modeling an idea or character, always begin by taking a few minutes to meditate in your internal space that you set aside for these rituals [as discussed in part 1.]

Death

Death is one of the most prominent themes that is explored in the Twin Peaks show. The show starts with the death of Laura Palmer. This show explores the world of professional death, life ruining secrets and the threat of their exposure (via the police or witnesses to crime,) suicide, homicide, and the inertia of death and the effect it has on those that survive in its wake. This show also portrays the converse of death - protection from death, guardianship. We see this in the miraculous saves or in the courageous detective work of people like Audrey, James and Donna, the Twin Peaks police, and Agent Cooper.

We watch the show explore different types of death. Ben Horne loses his land to Catherine and, accordingly, his power. He suffers a psychotic break in reaction to this. The loss of sanity and power could be considered a form of death. Lovelessness is a theme that several characters experience, notably in the various entangled romances in the show. Nadine and Ed have a fantastical and tenuous relationship where they feel alienated from each other by their fundamentally different ways of perceiving the world; Norma is terrified of her ex-husband and estranged from Ed. Alienation and mismatching perceptions of reality locking people into their own personal realities is another form of what could be considered death that is explored in this show. Josie is trapped by her past and is never truly free. Accidental deaths happen. We see conspiracy to commit murder, with Ben Horne calling a hit and the ensuing process of people involved- from the people who look the other way to the hitmen- in making someone disappear.

These are the main points of action in the show. Events involving death.

Take a few days or weeks to contemplate on the events involving death portrayed in this show. Set aside 20-30 minutes to meditate on these ideas. When you contemplate on these ideas, imagine yourself in your internal space. Create an object that symbolizes your contemplation of this subject. This will help you to remember your thoughts later and will help keep you grounded in your thoughts as opposed to zoning out. Think about the ways in which death is explored in this show. Think about how they relate to your current life and your past experiences. We have all dealt with death in some form or another.

After contemplating this theme of death, take another few days to reflect on this atmosphere. What eerie emotional feeling is associated with death, both in this show and outside of it? Take this emotional feeling and translate it into wispy colors of black with glittering, rainbow sparks. Take this feeling and translate it into different forms, places, animate it as a character. What would this feeling be like if it had a personality? What kind of place comes to mind when you reflect on this feeling, what kinds of things happen in this place? It may take multiple tries for an answer to come. Learning to manipulate your feelings and translate them into other forms like this is helpful when trying to write stories or generate ideas.

The Summoning of Spirits

Summoning is such a quintessential part of magick practice. This has been the case historically as well as currently. What is summoning? It is a particularly involved way of communicating with the self, and of picking and choosing aspects of our memory and personality that we then give animation to. We create a spirit within ourselves with these dimensions. The mind is incredible - particularly in its ability to model and to imagine. We are limited only by the boundaries of our imagination and memory.

Below is a method to summon entities. It is particularly easy to give animation to elements of our memory that we have a defined stereotype of. The characters of a show, people we know in person and have a long relationship with - drawing on our internal stereotypes of people we have a strong “sense” of is one of the easiest ways to develop an animate point of consciousness within our mind’s eye that can be talked to and influence our behavior in a way that feels abstracted from our main sense of self.

This can be used for many things. Gaining perspective. Modeling character interactions in a work of art - imagining and then modeling what will happen next in a story you are writing. The abstracted nature of these animate characters we can create in our mind lends themselves to spontaneous psychological effects and moments of inspiration - things that feel somewhat outside of our control. This adds variability to our thoughts. It’s also just a fun practice and it is interesting to play around with the mind and what it can do.

A Consideration of Character

The interactions between the various parties in Twin Peaks in addition to the general social  context of the town serves as one of the main points of interest in this  show. Twin Peaks presents a compelling and immersive community of  characters. Understanding and analyzing their motivations is a good  place to learn the general logic behind the idea of entity contact or summoning spirits.

For this summoning ritual, the only materials needed are your imagination and a quiet space. Enter your mental space that you set aside for considerations related to Twin Peaks and, perhaps, your studies of the occult more broadly. Model all of your senses in this space; attempt to immerse yourself as vividly as you can in your internal reality. This is now your entire reality; repeat this idea to yourself as you disavow information offered to you from your circumstances outside of your mind’s eye. Let go of daily life concerns, unpleasant physical sensations, and so on. All there is, is the internal world.

There are two main divisions in types of spirit work. Perceiving the other consciousness outside of yourself (evocation or summoning), and perceiving yourself as becoming this new consciousness (invocation or possession).

A third type involves hallucinating the other consciousness. A study of imposition (learning to consciously create hallucinations), which is outside of the scope of this post, can be used to provoke this third type. It is similar to the other two types but with a slightly different focus. A fourth type involves altered states such as dreams or the use of entheogens. A fifth type uses a ritual or other external cue. These latter three types are all different ways to obtain one of the former two types of entity experiences.

It is furthermore possible to integrate or transform the resulting abstracted consciousness into the self to change the self in the direction of that integrated consciousness. By being forced into direct contact with the consciousness as it integrates, the main self decides its own answer to the internal conflicts encountered by that consciousness.

External places and ideas have a type of consciousness to them, although it is experienced slightly different by the magick practitioner. This is likely due to the way the mind remembers information. It remembers information along certain axes. We have a division in our place vs. our person memory and the way we handle perception related to these two things.

Some people find it easier to shapeshift into a new consciousness. Other people find it easier to animate a consciousness that feels separate from themselves. Repeated attempts to access and animate the same concept/character increase the elaboration and complexity of the resulting spirit/animated and abstracted aspect of the self.

While in your internal space, visualize the character you wish to model. Imagine their appearance, their mannerisms. From there, it becomes a matter of modeling their mind. Focus on your internal stereotype of that person, focus on your sense of that other person, your feeling when you think of that person.

Route 1:

Draw your sense of that person into yourself. You become that person. Everything you do is checked between your logic vs. that other person’s. Everything in this trance state is done in the shape of that other person. All of your thoughts are this other person. After 10-15 minutes, more or less if you want, you can stop.

Route 2:

Imagine that other person separate from you, either in your mind’s eye or outside of yourself in your physical location. Have a conversation with that person. Model what they would say. After 10-15 minutes, stop for the day. At first, it will feel awkward and as though you are talking to yourself via a puppet, but after enough times it will become more natural and automatic, and you may find yourself slipping into that alternate perspective or hearing its internal logic comment on what you do throughout the day. Don’t forget to regularly remind yourself of the division between yourself and this part of your memory/personality/perception.

If you want to reintegrate with this abstracted sense of self, reverse the process. Take the feeling of that self and integrate it with your main sense of self. Visualize a picture, something symbolic, maybe of colors mixing to become a new color. Blue and red becoming purple. Keep reminding yourself that the only voice you hear inside your head is yours, and this is your thought process. It will quickly integrate into your main sense of self.

Don’t forget to come up with a cue that signals the beginning of a summoning/possession session and a cue that signals the end of it. Clean compartmentalization of behaviors and mental states is essential for a particularly vivid psychological experience.

Bob, Leland, and Mr. Robertson

Leland is one of the most compelling characters of the show. We see aspects of his psychology expressed indirectly in the events of the show. Leland, as Bob, is a character that affected the lives of not only his daughter, but of his co-workers and the people he engaged in criminal activity with. The various moves he makes to cover his second life are found peppered throughout the show; 25 years after the events of his daughter’s death and his subsequent suicide, his attempts to cover-up Bob are still being discovered - like with his attempt to hide his daughter’s journal entries in the police station that is only discovered in the third season.

Leland is one of the most interesting characters from this show to model, least of which being the wealth of information the show contains on his character. Leland is implied to have been a user of cocaine, and that fire was his metaphor for the high of cocaine. “Fire, walk with me.” Leland’s relationship with Mr. Robertson from his childhood is left mostly in the shadows; was it a sexual relationship? Did he witness Mr. Robertson kill someone? In either case, the psychological impact of Mr. Robertson on Leland’s childhood changed him as a person, leading to his possession by Bob in the show. It is a wonderful metaphor for the process of introjection itself, and how traumatic experiences and individuals can seem to haunt us for the rest of our lives. Not only did Leland find himself personally haunted by his experience with Mr. Robertson, but the way it affected Leland as a father to Laura affected her as well. Bob is a terrific metaphor for the psychological affects of these cycles of inherited trauma.

The Duality of Leland Palmer and Laura Palmer

Laura and Leland were similar and opposites in many interesting ways. There is an important contrast between the two that is worth considering. Laura and Leland both had difficult upbringings; Leland’s implied traumatic past and the implied trauma Laura witnessed from living in Leland’s household with its particular demands (his involvement in organized crime and drugs, and so on.) At the same time, it’s heavily implied that this makes them similar in some ways. Leland has a difficult time controlling his behavior, up to the point that Ben Horne calls for his murder (it is implied that Bob’s possession of Leland and his subsequent suicide may have been a metaphor for the psychological effects of Leland dodging Bob Horne’s hit) because he’s attracting too much attention. Leland was a man who could call a hit or kill a prostitute for fun, and it was implied he regularly practiced both things. Laura was not this sort of person at all and wanted to bring him down after discovering these things, making them opposites in a sense; however, this was Laura’s own approach to death, and it could be said this was how Bob manifested in Laura. Death by prison isn’t much better than death by hitman. 

Sleep, Dreams, and Realization

In the show, sleep states, different lives (which could be a literal metaphor for other personality states and sides of ourselves, or it could be taken at face value as an exploration of other universes,) altered states and changes in behavior due to drugs (Leland’s transformation into Bob was often accompanied by drug use), and dreams are prominent elements of the show. I personally have always felt this show uses altered states of mind to show that life itself feels as wonderous and discontinuous enough as though we are traveling through other timelines, and I have felt this show is wonderful at indirectly conveying subtle and nuanced psychological states in an artistic manner. That is very occult in and of itself.

While considering this final topic- of the esoteric, that which is hidden, the unexplained variables that direct our existence and the form of our reality, the investigation of the mysteries,- attempt to do so while under the influence of different states of consciousness. I would never tell you to do something illegal, but if you already use drugs or other substances that alter your mind, try seeing how their addition changes your thought process as you consider these topics.

Attempt to contemplate these topics during sleep states. There are three significant sleep states: light sleep, which can be entered via hypnosis on the edge of sleep (watch or imagine something move back and forth) or by meditating with the eyes closed and waiting for light sleep to begin. The change in mental state is accompanied by a deepening vividness of thoughts, a difficulty remembering thoughts later on, and a randomization of thoughts.

Deep sleep is truly immersive. In light sleep, we still feel as though we are in our body, even if we may have learned to block it out. In deep sleep, we feel as though our dreams are our entire reality and have no further sense of our body. We go through the process of sleep paralysis to enter this stage, which many people feel as vibrations. Meditation through light sleep, which is easiest to do if you do not engage with your light sleep stage but continue to stay focused on nothingness for 10-20 minutes as you phase into deep sleep. Then there is REM sleep dreams, which are the most vivid and disconnected from the ordinary principles of reality. Most people learn to wake themselves up during REM sleep. This is easiest to do by making a dream journal, identifying patterns in dreams, and learning to distinguish dreams from reality with these patterns. In addition, regularly asking yourself “am I dreaming?” and then trying to do something that is only possible in dreams (like flying, or looking at a scene and then looking back (dreams have a continuous nature to them so scenes change in between viewing them in dreams as we cannot hold a consistent model of reality) and seeing if it is constant or changing) to check to see if you are dreaming. Eventually, if you do this often enough, you will begin to question if you are lucid while you are dreaming. It becomes a consistent habit. This is how you attain lucidity, by learning to distinguish dreams from reality and learning to automatically question which one you are experiencing at the moment.

Realization is different from the other techniques mentioned. In realization, we bring our internal world in focus while we are immersed in our daily life. We learn to keep an intermittent eye on our changing thoughts and ideas inside of our head. We learn to notice when something in our daily life reminds us of a pattern or theme for something else (in this instance, Twin Peaks) That is the final exercise. Learn to keep the mental space you’ve developed for contemplation active in your daily life. It will run and exist and form connections and insight as you go about your day. Question anything that reminds you of your internal world and wonder why you are reminded of that. By keeping our internal mental space active, we bring the atmosphere of that place into our daily awareness. This leads to a deepening of the vividness of our emotions, and bathes our experience in a distinctive atmosphere - a changeable frame that is updated in response to our thoughts and experiences.

The esoteric

Twin Peaks is an especially fascinating show because there is a mundane explanation for all of it. That explanation generally boils down to: the supernatural or weird element of the show is used as a curtain so to speak, a metaphor for different forms of death, organized crime, the compartmentalization of the personality and other nuanced psychological experiences, and the unexplained element of the world. Bob could be a metaphor for the murderous instinct within Leland, and within others, that is especially prone to being released while under the influence of substances like cocaine. Dougie/Cooper’s weird experiences in the third season could be a metaphor for the personality compartmentalization between someone who has a job, a family, and an organized crime life. Many of the weird elements could be explained as a metaphor for some unseen element of Ben Horne et al’s organized crime empire.

I think that’s what Twin Peaks- and an occult consideration of this show- teaches us above all else. There is wonder to be had in life. Even if that wonder is ultimately explainable, isn’t real life fascinating? Isn’t explaining the unexplained a sublime pleasure - one that reveals more questions after the answers. The great investigation is a recurring theme in this show. Cooper’s investigation; understanding the details of Laura’s murder which are never fully shown; investigating Cooper’s disappearance from society. The great investigation is a recurring trope for a reason, and this show deconstructs it for what it is: the investigation of the unknown, an investigation launched, ultimately, because of our inherent anxiety of death. Curiosity, passion, wonder, and a bold exploration of mystery are foundational human experiences that make and break us. They are life.

The way we interpret the world is our own personal framework. There is no higher guide than yourself. There is no accountability to anyone other than yourself. If you choose to hold something above you, it changes the way you relate with external reality on a fundamental level. That may not be bad; this could be a way of inspiring oneself to work towards a higher ideal.

Garmonbozia

In Fire Walk With Me, we see this word. Garmonbozia. A word that supposedly symbolizes all of the world’s suffering and torment. The snuff film. Likely this may be a metaphor for people’s fascination with watching death and misery, a comment on a regularly occuring element/fascination/fixture of human nature.

The things we focus on. When we read something into a show- and this can take many forms, it can mean that we relate to something, that something attracts our curiosity or derision, or we see a message from a higher power about something relevant to our life- we are communicating with ourselves. We are projecting our own internal world, our own systems of meaning onto the external. We truly cannot touch the external. We are captive within our internal universe, creating within ourselves to approximate some sort of means with which we may affect the world around ourselves. We never truly break free from our trapped consciousness, but the way we relate to and interact with the world creates an impression that lives in and of itself. It lives in the chain of reactions that are caused by every action. It lives in the way our actions affect the personal development, in whatever big or small way, of all who perceive them.

Our internal universe, our memory, and our interactions with the external world completely define ourselves. The world we see when we engage with or create a work of art says everything about that person. We understand the world entirely through this projection. Being intimately familiar with the way we project our internal world onto the external world can give us insight into ourselves. Why do we relate to that element? What gives us meaning? What provokes this or that response? What themes call to us?

Twin Peaks is an incredible show. It plays ambiguity wonderfully. People tend to see very different things into the various twists and turns of this show. Understanding your personal symbolism gives you power over meaning itself.

[mbti-notes]

I'm an isfj. I know someone with serious mental illness and I don't feel very compassionate when I hear about his life. I feel pity, I feel very helpless/powerless and angry, I feel guilty, or I feel uncomfortable and want to turn away coz it's scary that people's lives can go really badly. I feel really selfish being like that and I don't want to be this kind of person. How can I nurture more compassion?

Assuming typical brain development, you are born with the capacity to empathize. Empathy is an important part of human genetic history because we needed it for survival, specifically for successful cooperation. To work together well, we must understand each other well, we must support each other’s efforts well, and we must help each other contribute well. As with any raw, inborn capability, it’s up to you to develop it to its higher potential through the choices that you make. Your choices have decreased your ability to empathize. There are two common obstacles to overcome in the process of empathy development:

1) Egocentrism: People at low levels of ego development aren’t able to empathize because they aren’t able to recognize other people as subjects. Do you understand the difference between a subject and an object? Many people only know the difference in theory but can’t apply it. In English grammar, a subject is the “active” part of the sentence, e.g., the person who is doing something. By contrast, the object is the “passive” part of the sentence, e.g., the person who is having something done to them. This basic grammatical structure belies the framework that the mind uses to understand relationships in the world.

Everybody has their own experience, which means that your understanding of reality begins from your own personal vantage point - you see yourself as a subject, experiencing and doing things in the world. Your vantage point includes things like your self-concept, thoughts, feelings, ideas, beliefs, values, judgments, schemas, triggers, past experiences, etc. When you look out into the world through your vantage point, you don’t see the world as it is, rather, you merely see the world as it gets interpreted through the content of your vantage point. A simple example: When you look at a painting, what happens? All you see is a canvas with some colored paint smeared all over it? If that’s all you see, then you’re either not human or you don’t have a personality. No, for instance, as ISFJ, you see the colors and whether you like them, you see the image and how it makes you feel, you see the style and how it compares to the aesthetic styles that you’re already familiar with, and so on. 

The same principle holds true when you deal with people. You, the subject, acts upon the other person, the object, with the contents of your vantage point. You don’t see people as they really are but only as you want/expect/hope them to be - it’s all about you. For example: You think about how they make YOU feel, when in fact, they’re not purposely doing anything to make you feel anything. You think about who they remind YOU of, when in fact, they bear no relation to the people you’ve known before. You think about whether YOU are better/worse than them, when in fact, they are simply a person with strengths and weaknesses just like you. And so on.

There’s nothing wrong with having your own vantage point, as we all have every right to our own existence. However, the problem arises when you never learn or never acknowledge that there’s more to the world than your own vantage point, which means that you are, in essence, completely confined by it psychologically. In short, your vantage point gets in your way instead of aiding you. Egocentrism makes it difficult to empathize because you don’t really see people, rather, you only ever see aspects of yourself as you constantly project the contents of your vantage point onto them. This creates ego drama, as you are more concerned with your experience and how you’re reacting than what’s actually going on with the other person. When you’re not grasping the truth of someone, how can you know the most appropriate way to relate to them, comfort them, help them, or guide them, especially when their experience is very different from yours? You’ll be grasping at straws.

Therefore, empathy requires the ability to transcend egocentrism, essentially, to stop approaching the world as though your own experience is all there is (oblivious) or all that matters (narcissist). To have meta-awareness of your egocentrism and understand how it holds you back (in limiting your perception and distorting your judgment) is to create the space to choose differently, i.e., to refuse to be a slave to ego drama. When you finally wake up fully to the fact that you aren’t the center of the world but rather only one equal part of a greater whole, you will possess the humility that is necessary for empathy. Humility refers to the ability to put yourself into the right perspective. A genuinely humble person knows their rightful place because they are no longer a slave to the ego dramas that create craving for strength and superiority and/or fear of weakness and inferiority. Humility allows you to stop treating people like objects and respect them as subjects in their own right. In other words, their experience is just as important to them as yours is to you, and you are both fully equal in that respect, so you know to honor their existence, as you honor your own. This is the basis of the classic golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

What does humility look like in real-life relationships? It looks like LISTENING. To be a good listener is to listen without all the biases, prejudices, and judgments of your ego dramas. Reasonable and sound judgment comes only AFTER you have collected all the facts, which requires listening - only then should you be trying to apply what you know to their experience. But you won’t be capable of listening well if your ego drama is always twisting the facts or if your ego drama always gets triggered every time you interact with someone. To truly hear someone is no small feat. Not everyone who talks about their struggles wants “help”. A lot of human problems arise from never feeling truly seen and heard. Therefore, to be a great friend is, first and foremost, to have the ability to see and hear someone and receive their experience without judgment. Once you are capable of listening empathetically, compassionate action naturally follows.

2) Poor Emotional Intelligence: I have already written about this, so you should read the articles provided. It’s obvious from your description that you have poor emotional intelligence. The development of emotional intelligence is correlated with the development of the F function, so you struggle with using Fe properly. Being confronted by your friend’s struggle with mental illness, your emotions get triggered, your ego dramas start playing out, and in the end, you are stuck in your own head trying to make sense of what’s happening. Your attention isn’t on your friend, is it? You’re not really listening.

It’s common for people who struggle with empathy to frame the problem as “me versus them” - either I protect my own experience or I surrender to theirs. This defensive attitude is rooted in egocentrism. There’s “me”, there’s “them”, and there’s “us”. When you are egocentric, all that really matters to you is "me”, and "they” are only important insofar as they impact you. In “me vs them” mentality, you don’t want to feel any negative disruptions from the outside world, so you close yourself off to emotional influence (a common symptom of Ti loop). By being defensive, you are directly hampering Fe development. Without healthy Fe, establishing a sense of “us” in a relationship is impossible, because the wall of defensive fear never allows anyone to actually reach you. But what about the other side of F dysfunction, such as the people pleasers of the world? They are also egocentric in that they only care about their craving for acceptance and affirmation - it is still ego drama all the same. People pleasers give the illusion of not caring about “me” to get what they want from “them”, but it is actually all about ME and getting them to like ME, not about “us”.

When you have poor emotional intelligence, you aren’t able to accept and resolve your own feelings and emotions, which results in them becoming self-inflicted obstacles - they get in the way of good judgment. Having good emotional intelligence means knowing how to put feelings and emotions into the right perspective, such that they inform you to make BETTER decisions. Resistance to your own emotional life means damaging your decision-making ability as well as resisting all the negative things out in the world. When you encounter negativity in someone else, it reflects back to you your own negativity, and thus begins your ego drama of fighting and trying to bury the negativity in yourself. You are at least aware enough to honestly describe what you feel when you encounter someone that triggers you, but you don’t have the ability to resolve those negative feelings.

One of the main problems of poor emotional intelligence is not being able to tell the difference between thoughts and feelings. Feelings are simple, all you have to do is say, “I feel sad” or “I feel guilty”. That’s it. That’s a feeling. Once you start to say more, once you start to talk about the feeling, then you’re having thoughts. Feelings need not become anything more than what they are, and they come and go like the wind. But thoughts are complicated because they are about analyzing, evaluating, believing, speculating, etc. Thoughts stick to you in the form of ideas and beliefs, and they impair your judgment when you’re not addressing the underlying negativity that creates them. People often try to think their feelings away (i.e. rationalization), which doesn’t resolve anything and even spins you out of control.

You say that you feel guilty when hearing about his suffering. If you feel guilty, then feel guilty. Do you believe that there’s something wrong with feeling guilty? Is it not normal to feel bad for having more than someone when you’re an empathetic person who hopes that everyone can find their happiness? You say that hearing your friend makes you feel uncomfortable because you’re scared of confronting negativity. If you feel scared, then feel scared. Do you believe that there’s something wrong with feeling scared? Is it not normal to feel scared when imagining negative things that could threaten your survival? Why do you view feelings as abnormal or as something to be banished out of yourself? It’s a form of self-loathing.

From these two examples, do you understand that it is your own inability to accept yourself and your feelings that is the root of the problem? As SJ, it is typical to be more concerned with being “proper” than being real, so you consistently deny the truth about yourself because you don’t want to see the many ways that you are “improper”. Resisting your negative feelings and the truth that they reveal about your impropriety only feeds the negativity as you start judging yourself harshly, calling yourself “selfish”, thus your negativity escalates into ego drama and throws you for a loop. By contrast, if you were to simply allow your feelings to inform you about the truth of what’s happening with you and accept that truth gracefully, there would be no need for negative feelings to turn into a big ego drama. 

In the history of psychology, the humanist psychologist Carl Rogers was perhaps best known for his ability to empathize very deeply. He said: “If I let myself really understand another person, I might be changed by that understanding. And we all fear change. So as I say, it is not an easy thing to permit oneself to understand an individual.” 

If you fear change, if you fear your heart being disrupted, if you fear confronting what is strange and unknown to you, if you are easily threatened by difference or negativity, if you fear feeling the heavy moral responsibility of helping someone in need, then you will fear the act of empathizing with people, because they may, at any moment, say/do something that turns your world upside-down. It is that fear which keeps you closed off and stuck within yourself, refusing to empathize when you clearly have the ability to empathize. It’s up to you to acknowledge the fear, accept it, and let it go. Until you make that conscious choice, you are merely stuck on your side of the wall, never able to truly see past it. Only by letting someone into your world, being emotionally strong enough to feel touched without feeling undone, can you establish a connection with them. Once you’re connected to someone emotionally, compassion comes easily (and that is the basis of having a healthy F function). 

[ask-artsy-oncie]

So I’m kinda in a meh/apathetic headspace in regards to my mental health right now. Maybe it would be best to just let some thoughts out. 

Firstly, I do want to apologize for making stupid, borderline inflammatory posts and throwing them out there onto tumblr dot com, I know that’s never the best course of action. However, I really, really do not appreciate anons sending vague “are you okay”s at me. If you’re not close enough to me where you can’t PM me (relatively) face-to-face, then I really wouldn’t like random inquiries about my mental health from you. Maybe it’s just because I don’t 100% trust anons (I’ve been here for a decade, I’ve seen some shit, can you really blame me?) but I think I ought to make myself clear on that. Are we clear on that? cool. 

I don’t know... I’ve felt so lost and tired recently, moreso than usual.

I’ve always had a massive complex about annoying people, being too self-indulgent, not having good ideas or opinions or what-have-you. People who have known me for a while almost definitely know that. I don’t think it all necessarily exists in a vacuum, either I have a genuinely hard time coming up with objectively good ideas. Sometimes I’m just straight-up “head empty” mode. I’m also often really opinionated and sometimes intend to die on hills that people aren’t really meant to die on (or are even necessarily worth dying on). I can get way too wrapped up on meaningless things because my brain is too hyperfocused on this one thing, or maybe something I rely too heavily on for comfort is... I don’t know how to put it.... put at risk? Challenged? I have a lot of mental issues and real life issues, though I’m not claiming to be massively oppressed or anything, but I tend to cling to comforts a little too desperately. And I’m not just talking about like. Media. Just comforts in general. Sometimes I’ll spend too much of the day laying in bed. Sometimes I cling to old relationships or old forms of relationships or I constantly worry about the day I’ll inevitably no longer have the same relationships I have now. 

I’ve known I needed therapy for a while now. I’m waitlisted and everything, but I need to go about actually choosing a therapist to see and I’ve been dragging my feet on that so I guess that’s my bad. I’ll get to it. Shit’s overwhelming, yknow? 

Anyways I know I have a lot of these flaws and problems and I think my horrible anxieties about being too annoying and whatnot is just a really extreme form of self-reflection. Maybe. Not entirely sure. Maybe a therapist could tell me.

I get way too passionate, way too easily, and it’s almost always followed by a super intense period of shame, like, to the point where I’m desperate to isolate myself and destroy my relationships with other people, because then at least I’m actually trying to destroy a relationship by being a bad person, rather than someone leaving me for... I don’t know, being too happy? Caring too much? Talking too much? Just. Shit I have less control over. 

I’ve tried putting a cap on it, suppressing everything. Trying not to indulge too much, trying not to be so happy and talkative, straight-up deleting messages I think might be too annoying the second I send them. Trying to be inoffensive through being unnoticeable. I’m trying to do that now, honestly. It’s why I joked about deleting my blog. All it does is hurt and make me go fucking nuts because I’m bottling up a lot in doing that, I know. I’m just not fully convinced I don’t just deserve to feel that way.

There are a lot of points in my life where I’m convinced that my best course of action in succeeding or keeping people from being put-off by me is to just sit down and shut up and draw what I’m told to draw. To just completely lose my agency in drawing. It makes sense, when you feel like you don’t have any good ideas of your own, you just illustrate others’. And there are many, many points where I have done this out of a place of love. Fuck, most of what I’ve drawn for Lolly’s writing has come out of a place of genuine love, not just for her work, but for her. A lot of what I’ve drawn for Bethany (for any REAL long-time followers reading this) has been like that, too. But there are also points where it honestly just feels like my only purpose is to be a tool through which others may visualize their whims. That if I dare inject too much of myself into things, they’ll be permanently ruined. And then there’s the shame I feel in having wanted to impart a piece of myself into a work - a demerit for being too selfish or self-important to deem my whims anywhere near good or important enough to be included. 

I have so many ideas. So many opinions and thoughts and feelings and genuine insight that I’ve suppressed or deleted because I either feel like that’s what’s expected of me, or I’m straight-up told that my thoughts and opinions are bad and wrong. Like. Fuck me for having opinions on animated media levels of being shut-down. And you know, I’ve noticed something in the past decade of being an insufferable opinionated prick about things like that - that it’s actually easier for me to enjoy media when I’m allowed to be negative and critical of it. When I am allowed to just share my thoughts. And I don’t mean like, without being disagreed with, I mean like, in an environment where I’m made to feel like I actually can share these thoughts. When I can pinpoint and analyze what I didn’t like or what made me upset, it can be a lot easier for me to then move on and be able to focus on aspects that I genuinely do like. Like, holy fuck, it is SO much easier for me to pick-and-choose aspects of a certain sequel film that I actually like and feel comfortable saying I like than it was for me to do with the original, because I no longer have an incredibly toxic person in my life (or at least, in my life as much).

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had this kind of experience since then, like. There are STILL things I struggle to move past because I have been made to feel like I just can’t fucking talk about them without being insufferable (sorry if I’m overusing that word - it just feels like the best word the feeling I’m trying to describe) or just straight-up ruining something for someone I care about. Keeping shit like this in does crazy shit to me, for real, and there’s still a large part of me that tells me “Fuck you. Suck it up. None of this shit matters.” Y’know? Because in the grand scheme of things, I know it doesn’t. And then there’s the shame that comes from having cared so much in the first place. It’s a fucking cycle. There’s some shit that’s just irreparable ruined for me because of this and that SUCKS.

I don’t like losing comforts. Fuck, I hate it, really. And I’m not talking about new comforts coming along and catching my attention as an old comfort begins to wane, I’m talking like. Destroying relationships, feeling SO MUCH shame surrounding a comfort media that it’s too difficult to enjoy it no matter how hard I try, or having too hard of a time disassociating a comfort with a horrible event or person. And it’s feeling like at LEAST one of these is starting to happen to me again and Good Gods it’s just. It’s so terrifying. 

But who do I tell? When my primary worry is annoying or offending or hurting people? Y’know? I can’t just vent to one single person to this all the time, that isn’t fair. But it gets to a point where my brain tells me “No, you can’t talk to ANYONE about this because that’s rude and wrong and a true friend wouldn’t do that. There’s a reason why you can make any number of concerning posts, messages, private ramblings, whatever, and the people you’re closest to won’t ask you what’s wrong.” 

And, yeah, honestly, I do think it’s true that the people I consider my closest friends won’t read this. I actually don’t believe the average person will read this, or at least get this far. I genuinely do just talk too much and it’s a lot for most people to deal with. Otherwise, I talk too little, and probably enter the “you should be able to read my MIND” level of expectations, which, of course, isn’t far. I understand, I swear I do, it just takes some time to come to terms with every time I get wrapped up in my stupid mental stuff. And I also promise that I try to give these people the same kind of response I want, y’know? I try to look out for any worrying behavior and try to offer an ear and help in any way that I can. I don’t think expecting the same in return is fair, I just worry about any of them being like me, and I’m willing to play to that if it’s necessary. I’ll break quiet streaks for that shit, y’know?

Honestly, these stupid quiet streaks are probably more unbearable for me than they are even noticeable for most people. It sucks. I just wish my mind was normal so I A) wouldn’t have these insecurities to begin with, because B) I would never end up exhibiting the behavior to warrant such insecurities.

There’s so much shit I want to talk about, to analyze, or explore, that I want to share with the world, or at least with people I love, that I probably never will because my stupid brain has already decided that all this stupid shit is better kept to myself where it can rot and be forgotten eventually. Which is fine, in the grand scheme of things, I guess, because I functionally have never really been the guy who comes up with ideas (at least, good ideas) I’m just the pencil, the one who I guess makes things visual? I can’t even bring myself to say “I bring the ideas to life” because that’s pretentious and untrue. These ideas are already alive because they come from brilliant minds. 

I don’t even think it’s fair for me to call myself a character designer unless the characters are my own. Otherwise, I’m just following the directions of a much more competent conceptualizer (there’s a reason my characters barely have any... well, character). That’s the reason why I removed my unearned credit as the character designer for Ty from Swindle’s description, because I really don’t deserve that kind of credit. It’s why the asks about the designing process of Ty have been left unanswered, because, fuck, what do I even say? “I just did what Lolly told me to do, just like I did with all of Swindle. Please don’t give me that kind of credit, I know I falsely ascribed it to myself earlier, and I want to rectify that”? I guess I could have, actually, now that I’m typing this. But people always get fucking upset with me when I try not to take credit, even when it’s shit that isn’t mine!! So I don’t know what to do!! I don’t know what to fucking do!!! Because I just don’t fucking want to make people upset or unhappy!!!!!!!

I’m sorry, this post is too long and I’ve worked myself up and I’m no longer apathetic. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep so big win for my complexion, honestly. 

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I guess getting this shit out of my system is probably best to do in a big tumblr post no one will read. 

I don’t want anons about this. If I can just ask one thing. Please.

[eunnieverse]

Kamen Rider Gaim & Weapon Choice

The designated weapons of the original seven riders are some of my favorite writing touches in Kamen Rider Gaim. Each one represents an important aspect of it’s wielder’s character, and in some cases foreshadows future developments. 

Kouta’s weapon is a single edged sword. Swords are generally considered a hero’s weapon, and it requires him to get up closer and personal with his opposition. While this seems basic, it’s actually a crucial aspect of Kouta’s character. Whether it’s a personal weakness or a physical opponent, Kouta always faces them head on, no matter how daunting an opponent they may be. Despite it’s simplicity, the sword is sturdy and reliable, much like Kouta. This contrasts with the antagonists, who tend to cower away or submit when faced with the harshness of reality, and eventually even turn on one another.

Kaito’s weapon is referred to as a spear, but visually it more so resembles a lance. Lancers are big damage weapons, but due to their length, were heavy and slow, and their lack of defensive use made them poorly suited for melee combat. This weapon suits Kaito, who is so obsessed and focused on power alone that he discards everything else in his search for it. Lances were also considered a one-use-per-engagement weapon since they tended not to survive their initial impact. They were practically guaranteed to eventually break, which foreshadows how Kaito eventually ends up in the series. 

Takatora's goal is ensuring humanity’s survival from the invading parasitic forest of Helheim. He views himself as humanity’s defender, and his primary weapon being a shield represents this. While Takatora can use the shield offensively, it’s primary function is acting as cover to hide behind. Takatora hides behind the notion that he has to sacrifice many lives in order to ensure humanity’s survival, and uses this to justify doing unspeakable things. In taking on this burden of choosing who’s protected and who dies, Takatora sees this as sacrificing himself for the greater good, despite the fact he’ll ultimately be safe and alive among the survivors. Meanwhile, Kouta always puts himself on the front lines protecting others and, by the end of the series, sacrifices everything he has in order to save all of humanity.

Mitsuzane prefers not to fight on the front lines, often manipulating events and people from behind the scenes while rarely getting his own hands dirty. This makes a gun his ideal weapon as a character, as it allows him to operate both from distance and behind cover. 

Oren is the only Rider with actual military combat experience, making him the most skilled fighter of the original seven. His two broadswords reflect this, as dual wielding in the real world is incredibly impractical unless done in the hands of a very skilled fighter. Broadswords such as the Schiavona and the Sinclair Hilt also have a lot of history as mercenary weapons, which makes this choice of weapon a nice touch given Oren’s background as a Mercenary. While initially an antagonist, he does try to make himself the town’s hero and, like Kouta, faces down all he considers opposition personally.

Hase’s primary weapon being a more traditional spear is very fitting given his similarities to Kaito. Hase also craves strength and power, but unlike Kaito, he’s greatly lacking in that department and doesn’t have what it takes to handle it. This parallel carries over to their weapons. Kaito’s lance looks sturdy and powerful while Hase’s looks rather flimsy and far less intimidating in comparison. When what power he has is ultimately taken from him, Hase quickly breaks. Both Hase and Kaito also eventually end up ingesting Helheim’s fruit hoping for greater power. But where Kaito is able to tame that power and make it his own, Hase is ultimately broken, consumed and loses his sense of self.

Jonouchi’s hammer may seem like a random choice at first, but it’s actually quite fitting for him. War hammers were developed in response to hard, steel armor seeing increased usage in battle. Since that armor was near impossible to pierce, the hammers were used to deal significant damage without having to penetrate the armor at all. When the battles in Gaim become focused on the Armored Riders instead of the Inves Game, Jonouchi, being a tactician and the brains of his group, understandably would take up a weapon specifically suited to countering armored opponents.

This is just the tip of the iceberg in how thorough Gaim’s writing is. Kamen Rider Gaim is full of great writing and character moments like this, and is largely why I enjoy the show so much. I’d definitely recommend watching it if you haven’t seen it already. I know a lot of you come to my blog for RWBY content, and I can say for certain that if you’re a fan of RWBY, Gaim would be right up your alley.

[nezumiismissing]

Authoritarianism Without Leadership and the Formation of Spatial Identity

I think at this point I have probably brought this up in every single one of my analyses, so it’s about time that this topic gets its own breakdown in a full length post (or 2 or 3). There’s a lot to cover and it’s going to get way out there, but hopefully you can find something useful here. And if not, maybe it can at least be entertaining. More exploration of this topic to come at an unspecified time after the convention when my brain decides to enter the No.6 zone again. (and yes it is over 3000 words so, you know, plan for that)

So if you couldn’t tell, the No.6 anime does not have an antagonist, at least not in any traditional sense of the word. The opponent our characters are facing off against, it turns out, is not an evil scientist or an organization or a military, but instead it is the city and its systems that must be either destroyed or reformed by the end of the story. And while those other characters exist within the world of No.6, and all take actions that go directly against the desires of our main characters, they are not fought against especially directly and within the anime have no real identity, instead only existing as part of the whole. But what is the whole exactly? I think the easy answer here is to say that the whole is society, the culture we live within that shapes everything we do in life and that must have some amount of force placed upon it to change in any significant way. But when we say that “society is the whole”, and therefore the antagonist of No.6, what do we mean by that? And how does our perception and interpretation of what it means to be a society impact how we read and understand the story of No.6?

Now, having society be the antagonist of a young adult dystopian series is not something that No.6 came up with, obviously. It's basically a necessity of the genre. But within that structure, although not always apparent at first, there is a lot of variance. These worlds are almost always authoritarian and hierarchical, the result of some massive war or natural disaster that we have been unable to fully heal from, but outside of that, the way in which these worlds are built and understood are vastly different. Some are pretending to be utopias while others give us no image of what it means to be at the “top” and only show suffering. Some take place in over-crowded cities and others have sparse populations of people constantly searching for each other. There are social (and human) experiments, revolutions of all shapes and sizes, monsters and aliens and governments that are all in one way or another trying to reflect the very real events that are taking place in the real world in a way that is perhaps more comprehensible, or at least entertaining. Society as it currently exists is very much the antagonist of these stories, and at the center (and everywhere else) of a society are individual people making decisions that may or may not be good and may or may not have good intentions. So it is easy to see how, when it comes down to it, while society is implicitly understood to be the antagonist, most of these stories focus their energy on the removal of a tangible threat, usually a person or group of people who are determined to be “in charge” of the society and therefore responsible for much of the misery of a dystopia. The No.6 novels also fall into this group, as does the manga. But the No.6 anime, for whatever reason, decided to do something completely different, and something that is arguably much more terrifying.

From here on out I will just refer to the anime as No.6 and will specify if I am mentioning the novels/manga.

In No.6 things do not happen because someone says they need to happen, but they instead happen for…. what reason exactly? We see the mayor referenced briefly in the first episode, so we can assume that he is the one in charge of decision-making, but he makes no actual appearances. The military is clearly shown demolishing the West Block, but who is giving orders? Who is watching over the scientists at the Correctional Facility? Deciding where the wall will expand next if at all? In most stories you would see questions like these answered either near the beginning of the story or revealed at the end, and if it's neither of those then they’ll probably still show up at some point in the middle. But in No.6 there is none of that. There is no one or no group clearly “in charge” of what is happening at any time in regards to the city and its surroundings. Instead, it seems, the city has reached a point in which the details of how these things are occurring are unimportant, and that for the most part, things will unfold with or without the input of an individual or group. The implication of this being that No.6 is somehow separate from its people and government, and is, in a sense, alive.

I think this is largely why the anime is able to be so effective, despite its many other issues. On a surface level, the story lacks any kind of antagonist, making it unclear where exactly it's going. But the existence of the city as an independent entity fills in these odd gaps, creating the image of a society that has, quite literally, lost control of itself. It also makes more concrete the theme of “society vs nature” that is kind of hinted at for most of the story and then kind of shoved in your face at the end with Elyurias and Nezumi’s backstory. But with Elyurias being the physical embodiment of nature, what exactly is it that she is opposing? But before we get into that, some framing and questions (or maybe just one very big question).

What does it mean for a city to be “alive”? Not in the sense that things are happening in it and people are living there, but in the sense that it thinks and feels on its own and makes choices about itself that are not the direct result of human or other external input? Clearly people were responsible for its creation, and took care to create systems that would hold it together. But those systems were not created for the city itself, but rather the survival of the people living within it, with the city and society simply being a result of our need to be social. The city, if we are to see it as a living thing, doesn’t really gain anything from this arrangement so long as we are in control of it, and so will seek out ways to separate itself from us. It does need us to continue existing, however, and so it can’t truly create anything new on its own, and will instead make use of what we have already created. It will warp itself in unexpected ways, or cement systems that otherwise would change or disappear over time, so that it will better serve itself and maintain continuity while still appearing as though run by people. Different people will have varying amounts of control over how this all unfolds, but at a certain point there will be things that can no longer be changed through “traditional” means, at which point people will have to create and impose systems on a large scale that do not fit into the current form the city is in. And this is the point at which No.6 finds itself.

Now, there is a lot of my thinking that I’m skipping over here, especially in regards to how this applies to the real world and the implications that has, but for the purposes of No.6, this is a good starting point. The city that existed before No.6 was “killed”, restructured, and brought back to life as the result of a world war, and at the beginning of the story, we are already at a stage in which this new city has separated itself from its people and become a conscious entity. We see this process from a different perspective in the novels, with characters questioning how everything got to this point as they come to realize that the things they thought they were doing were never in their control in the first place, and that something else had made the city what it was. By omitting these characters entirely though, the anime makes their point clear, “it doesn’t matter who thinks they’re in charge of things, the city will function just fine with or without them”. I would argue that much of this is made possible through the advanced technology available in No.6, making it possible to automate systems in a way that keeps people entirely out of the process of dealing with massive amounts of vital information. You could probably even say that the “essence” of No.6, its identity as a sentient being, is mostly made up of these computerized systems and algorithms that determine everything about how a citizen will live their life.

This is, of course, similar to the way in which Elyurias is understood to operate, the main difference being that she is made up of natural, rather than man-made and technological systems. As sentient, omnipresent beings, they make use of small parts of their greater existence in order to convince different components to act in ways that are beneficial to their continued survival, reproduction, and expansion, with the survival of the individual components being far less of a concern as they are perceived as being easy to replace. Elyurias uses the parasitic bees to infinitely self-replicate, allowing her to endlessly alter and maintain the natural world as she sees fit. No.6, on the other hand, makes use of social and technological systems to convince its citizens to keep things as they are, or expand the limits of the city, or any number of other things it cannot do on its own, but are seen as crucial to its continued existence. Within the context of the story, there is no one person that needs to be “in control” of these actions, since the city is acting in what it sees as its own benefit, but it is also aware that in order to maintain itself, someone must appear in charge, and may even be influenced to believe that that is the case.

The problem with No.6, of course, arises from its desire to continue expanding while otherwise maintaining society as it currently exists. A static city is one that is destined to fall apart, or else have control returned to the people until a new form of stability can be achieved. So in order for No.6 to maintain its identity as an independent entity, it must change in other ways, and thus views expansion and increased complexity as a path forward. When it comes into contact with Elyurias as a result of this expansion though, it is clear that their goals as entities are incompatible and cannot occupy the same space. For Elyurias this necessitates the destruction of No.6, since the city has already been responsible for the damage and destruction of large areas of her “realm”, while No.6 sees her as an opportunity to improve its own systems through the assimilation of her powers into its “realm”. This assimilation, as the city sees it, both expands its power through the elimination and subsequent exploitation of a competing entity, as well as further automates its own processes through the combination of technological and natural systems. None of these benefits are seen by the citizens, of course, and in fact the result would instead be an almost complete removal of their free will, but for No.6’s purposes those effects are inconsequential so long as the people continue existing. 

This formatting can also be extrapolated to describe Shion and Nezumi’s roles and understanding of the world, which clearly play a much more prominent role in the outward text of the series. Shion has a difficult time understanding and accepting No.6’s absolute corruption not because he has no experience with the suffering it has caused or or the inherent problems with hierarchy. Clearly he has been subjected to both of those things quite early on in the series. Instead the issue arises from the fact that while Nezumi, who learned about Elyurias in his childhood and has an understanding of “sentient” non-human systems, Shion has no basis for comprehending this, and is therefore unable to see how No.6 could have become so awful without anyone noticing or intervening, and cannot understand the true nature of the issue without first passing it through the filter of human decision-making processes. Nezumi falls into this as well on several occasions when he claims that the citizens are the ones at fault for the city’s problems. But unlike Shion, this comes from a lack of understanding of the specific systems that make up the city and a need to have a concrete place of blame rather than a belief in complete human control over society. Through this lens, the story of the human characters of No.6 in the anime is one of coming to understand the nature of both human and non-human systems, where they may intersect and overlap, and then determining how change can be brought about when we do not have control, or even meaningful access, to those systems.

So when a city has separated itself from its citizens, when it has become functionally “alive” and begins to behave in ways that no longer benefit or sustain our conception of humanity, what can be done to regain control? Can a city that has become independent be brought back under human control, or must it be destroyed and rebuilt, its structure completely altered so that little if any of what was originally there remains intact? The answer that No.6 seems to give is much more in line with the latter idea (at least in this fictional instance). Because of No.6’s rapid development, there was never a chance for people to fully grasp what they were really doing, and if anyone did realize what had happened, it was far too late to alter the city in a way that took away its power. The city is authoritarian to the point of self-inflicted genocide in an instance of internal social destabilization, and the faulty addition of Elyurias’ power makes this self-destruction incredibly easy. The fact that her assimilation into No.6’s system is incomplete only exacerbates the issue, and is ultimately what leads to its destruction.

The destruction of the wall as a physical presence has any number of meanings, some of which I have written about before and others that I may or may not write about in the future. But within this reading of No.6 as “alive”, what stands out the most is the fact that what ultimately gave the city its independent status was its refusal to even interact with other systems. Its purpose, its role, as an entity was entirely one of self-preservation, born from the paranoia that inevitably followed the war responsible for its creation. By destroying the wall, and allowing people access to “others”, the city cannot remain isolated and reinforce a singular concept of society, therefore losing almost the entirety of its power over people. Without the wall, there is no No.6, and without No.6, people are once again free to build something new.

Just to bring this all back around to where we started, and maybe simplify all that down to something manageable, what does it mean to have an antagonist that is alive, but not human or otherwise sentient in a way that we understand? In No.6’s case, I don’t think it is enough to say that society is the problem, or that by removing a government and installing new leadership, all of the problems can be solved. Unlike in the novels and manga, the anime does not even give us the second option, since there functionally is no government to oppose for the most part. Instead, we are given a city that people have not had influence over for a significant amount of time, one in which “society” is not a single thing shaped by the people that make it up, but is also a social system that is imposed upon people by a non-human force. No.6, as an entity, needs its citizens only to the extent that they are useful to it, namely as a mechanism for expansion and self-defense, but exists as such that the people living within it are completely reliant upon it in every aspect of their lives. Something so simple as putting someone else in the arbitrary position of “leadership” is meaningless when that person has no real power, and so in order to reclaim human control over the entirety of society, an inaccessible entity must be destroyed. In this sense, Nezumi is not wrong to say that No.6 needs to be destroyed completely, and is instead only misled as to what that actually means, mistaking the people living within the confines of the city for the city itself. The defining feature of the city, the wall, also acts as the source of its power and independence, and thus its destruction is functionally equivalent to its death, leaving behind only a loose collection of systems and beliefs that are no longer upheld in any physical or tangible way.

Society is made up of people, that is clear, but what is less obvious is that people are also made up of society. We can recognize that society impacts us and shapes who we are and how we think, but it is perhaps the case that to an even stronger degree, society is operating outside of our own individual or even collective input, and is, in a sense, self-sustaining. Rather than our own beliefs being imposed upon an ever-changing society, it is a preexisting society that imposes itself upon us, deciding when, how, and if things will change. It does change over time, and that of course is due to people’s existence within it, but what No.6 makes clear, to me at least, is that while people are unable to survive without the construction of a society, even if that society is destructive, the society at a certain point will no longer need people to maintain itself outside of the basic definition of its existence, and it is at that point that it becomes much more difficult, and dangerous, to change.

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #1

1. The backbone to my emotions

As someone who  cannot conceptualise  time in any way whatsoever, I want to say sorry to my loved ones. I'm aware I still need to send my friends messages every once in a while and remind them I still want to be their friends and I need to actively work on this. I need to overcome this fear stopping me from being present and accepting peoples love and support. I want to break free from me and I want to feel content being on this earth, I want nothing more than to enjoy experiences with my loved ones. I love you I love you.

I am a young charismatic, creative individual learning to do things differently so I don't always have the same outcomes. I suffer from a Cluster B Personality Disorder; under the same umbrella of mental health I also experience extremely intrusive thoughts on a daily basis, that can become obsessive and compulsively hyper fixated thoughts in an instant. I have anxiety, depression and a lot of the time I’m deeply dissociated to a point where I struggle to believe I’m even real, even when I do know I am real- I have no attachment to my limbs or body as a whole and only feel alive in a spiritual sense or when I self harm. I don't want to get too into my illnesses; as I’m not someone who really likes labels, just know that everyday is a battle and each personality that exists within me is different. I wouldn't say drastically, however its evident for me and living with so many different masks can be intense. Especially when you've tried to convince people that you're just one solid mould in the hopes they don't perceive you as an intense person. I am going to try to take you through a few of my altars and moods starting with the emptiest subconscious alters that I call the backbones of my emotions to the more powerful  energetic ones that haven't managed to yet consume me over the years. I hope this can give people an insight.

Overall I present a pretty confident front, I like to appear like I’ve got my life together even though I’m so far from it, sometimes I’m not sure ill even find the strength to go on long enough in attempt to get my life together, which is a real problem but it's the sad truth. Don't waste time reading this if you're easily triggered as this piece of writing will consist of real and genuine feelings. I’m in no attempt trying to create content for people who enjoy turning blind eyes and wishing they didn’t see this so I’ll give you a fair warning. I'm not responsible for your triggers, whereas I’m responsible for the things I’ve done. I might have cared too much at one point, but I will not hold myself captive to those situations nor will I regret them. I want the lies, deceit and hurt that I’ve committed against loved ones to end, my secrecy has done enough damage and its exhausting pushing people away even though that’s not usually the intent, truth is I am so embarrassed of myself. I'm private, secretive and mysterious but I’ll also talk about my childhood trauma after like 5 minutes. I guess this says I’m happy to talk about my trauma because it's what I know and am comfortable with, I just struggle to tell anyone the real suicidal me behind my problems. I hate that I’m so young and feel like a dead person already.

I tend to act out or distance myself due to fear which isn’t clear at first if you know me, but does become obvious. I might appear as someone with no care in the world, like I’m unbothered, but I assure you that's the African pride combined with the Leo pride. I also don't want people to treat me like a footstool, which has happened when I’ve come off ass too passive. I care so much and over think absolutely everything, it's literally my only way of thinking. I have little to no self esteem and I have no clue who confidence is unless under the influence of something, be it weed, alcohol or psychedelics (which I don't take much of because I enjoy them and don't want to abuse them) I mean I can function sober, I don't even like to be out of control high or drunk, but as Chief Keef once said, I hate being sober. #i'mTrash4thereference. Although I’m not fully healed and functioning yet, I’m a developed character with both positive and negative traits. At the moment I’m going back and fourth between 'just stop trying' and 'you cant give up'. Sometimes depression is kind of like looking at yourself through a window, there’s this part of your brain that understands it'll pass, but you’re so far into despair that its impossible to see the way out, its a lot like being trapped. I am having a bad patch right now, the difference between this one and the last one is I’m more self aware with less of a desire to go on. At least I’m no longer suffering from paranoia and thinking everyone's out to get me all the time or that I’ll get trafficked walking home from somewhere, but depression and mania are so bloody invasive and there’s always that little voice in my head telling me ill never be good enough. Executive dysfunction kills my motivation because I have so many things to do and I cant pick anything to start first, it gets worse when my depression gets worse too. I'm not lonely though; I have a few people who care for me- and while I'm trying to not involve them in the metal episode, they are around to talk to and that means so much. My friends are super encouraging even though I've only briefly mentioned that I'm having a sad time right now, and that's awesome.

I hate that no matter how much better I get there's still this deep desire to get worse. I don't feel like a real person. I just feel like a collection of what people want me to be and various mental disorders. It would be so cool if I could admit to the world I have a personality disorder without feeling disgusting and without fear.

I've had plenty time to reflect upon every bit of thought that created the barbed wire surrounding my logical brain, I want to feel okay to be alive, but I so strongly just want to die. I am tired of fluctuating from feeling extremely vigorously suicidal to passively suicidal; where I just don't have the energy to carry it out myself. It's gotten way past the point that it doesn't matter what kind of day I have, I think about killing myself all day. Sleep is an escape from life and I'm always tired and wanting to 'sleep'. Deep down I feel like I’m waiting for the right time to end my life and it's not the right time yet because I still have a footprint to leave behind, I still have journal pages I want to burn. I cant just jump off the highest accessible building or mall car park I could find just yet- I don’t just want to ruin others by hurting them with my death. It's sad to think I grew into this mindset, waking up wishing I was dead.

Being abandoned by many people in the past made me doubt people and think everyone was out to get me or wanted something from me, it made me feel hurt and lone. So I felt it would be better to let people down before they could hurt me so I wouldn't repeat the same cycle when forming new connections. It wasn't intentional but I could just silence myself due to fear.

I just found myself feeling immensely hopeless, like I was too internally enraged at the external world to be able to trust anything of it. I definitely do want to get better because I’m tired of feeling this way, it's so exhausting and I hate pushing people away from me like I’m poison. I need to allow people to accept all of me.

Before picking up these coping mechanisms when I was younger and more insecure; I wanted to be a part of the world, I had this strong urge to fit in. I had to learn how to manage my anxiety and socialising became more exhausting stemming from my fear of being 'odd' or 'different', I didn’t want to be called out for being different- it was not a compliment at that age, it always felt like a being the joker in the card deck. I was intensely afraid of being judged or labelled as such. Being told I was a 'weirdo' didn't help at all, that type of criticism is what got to me the most. People made me feel like I needed to change, like I was too African, even in a joking manner it didn't help- because although I was okay with who I was, I did feel like I had to change and westernise myself to fit in. I ended up hanging around with people that didn't care, doing stupid things I didn’t even want to do, dating people I didn't connect with. Eventually I got tired of people using me for entertainment, tired of catering to those who refused to understand. I still have to admit there were many periods that I lowered my frequency to be on the wavelength of others that did not match mines at all, I hate that I'm someone who always feels the need to explain myself so people don't think I'm a bad person and even though I don't owe it to everyone and now I am able to make better choices and I'm no longer easily influenced, it still hurts that i was ever around people that made me feel like I was over exaggerating my mental health or uncomfortable to a point where I learned to downplay it or the mention of it. Now as a coping mechanism I’ve become so facetious and sarcastic about my trauma it's a struggle to take myself seriously at times. Users and abusers belittled me to such a point where I felt they'd underestimated my intelligence and most of all humiliated me. It made me tired of justifying myself so now most days I’m just a mute, but I really do finally have good people in my life who deserve some sort of explanation and it's a shame they don't get to be experience a truly present consistent me. It’s just after having the wrong eyes on me, I don’t want anything to see me. I hate attention because I’m so embarrassed of myself I don’t want to be noticed. People looking at me make me want to kill myself.

I've been told to move past my rage, to let go and become a grounded and level headed person. I've been told there is hope for all of us. Must be nice to believe that, all I could wonder was what it was like to get angry without getting homicidal and suicidal. Even on most days where nothing extreme would happen besides negative emotions, my brain still travelled to a dark realm. I've come to a point where I want to live in my daydream universe wile I physically rot away. That's my business. Sometimes I feel as though all my friendships are on a timer, or more so it's that my timer is about to go off, so I subconsciously shy away and make sure i have no deep friendships. Just in case my head decides to do something stupid.

I don't want to have no friends, I want to have friends and I do value friendships so much more than entitled relationships, I just have a difficulty maintaining friendships because it's exhausting for me, it takes a lot of energy to be social and on a level that isn't just superficial where I can just let go and allow myself to fully be. Sometimes I have a hard time relating to other people, and thus I may feel I don’t belong or don’t quite fit in- causing me to feel irritated, paranoid or even in pain during social situations. It's not always this bad, and I don't mean for it to sound dramatic. It's different when In person and I’m really relaxed and comfortable with the company. However virtually socialising and expressing will always be extremely anxiety enducing and its something I need to overcome especially going into this new phase of Artificial Intelligence.  So if I start to drift away it most likely isn't a reflection of you. The cycle goes I need alone time to recharge then I realise how long has passed and I just feel so bad I haven’t gotten back, I tell myself I’m an awful friend for dissociating for so long, and then I don’t know how to explain that so my anxiety rises, mood drops and I spiral back into a pit of depression, often wanting to relapse but refraining from doing so. Sometimes I manage to get out of the pit, but by then so much has piled up I don't know where or how to begin again.

I don't feel like I could have a normal friendship as well as romantic relationship. It's hard for me to long term imagine myself being fully relaxed enough to let my guard down and not reluctant to express. I don’t think there’s any condition where ill just be came and enjoy a connection without worrying that the other person isn’t putting in as much effort, or they have an image of me, or that I’ve amplified the emotions and even though I feel them that way do they really understand me or love me as much. Silence is so upsetting and I hate the fact I do it when I'm afraid of myself or don't feel good enough. I never intent for it to become 'the silent treatment' because in reality its not treating anyone, it's more a reflection of what I’m internalizing and not wanting or being unable to project and express those feelings without feeling like party pooper, an attention seeker or 'too deep'. I don't mean to give people false hope, I love the people in my life so much and every one I’ve met on this journey. I'm learning to look at life through a different lens and the people who contributed to my suffering will not be the definition of me. People have led me to believe so much and strung me along, not letting me go- and I realised those entitled controlling abusive relationships were not serving me. I couldn't keep doing it. Now even though I want closeness I end up pushing people away or leaving them in the dark because of fear, especially of something new because I've never experienced anything good and true for a long enough duration of time to rid me of that fear. I also have fear of rejection or hurting, I fear becoming too emotionally invested and becoming co dependant so I end up wanting to avoid the pain than actually wanting to experience the joy and growth the relationship could offer, so I end it before it begins to avoid any possible pain. I feel like I don't deserve these connections,and sometimes the depression runs so deep I have to push people away in case I want to do something stupid- I don’t want them to feel at fault, or obligated to be able to handle me. Sometimes I really can just only be with myself and my thoughts so I hide but it may appear that I’m pushing others away because of my isolation and neglect.

With everyone I know, I get this feeling that they're too good for me, their energy is so radiant and loving but I feel so broken and don’t want to depend on that. I've had perfectly ideal people come into my life and I feel they’re too good for me because I have a lot of work to do on myself first, primarily I need to build up confidence and self esteem because it's the root of most my issues. I want to relate to people, share our deepest fears and wishes without fear of judgement. It's not that I don't want to get better, I simply cannot remember what it was like to have an actual honest to god normal personality. The feeling of being a mentally unstable chameleon is all I have  now. I AM my illness, that's the only identifier I have left. I can't remember normality.

I understand that I’m lucky and I’m not ungrateful for the things and people I do have, it doesn’t mean that my life doesn’t suck because of those lucky things. I often think about if someone created technology to transfer life to another, I’d happily give them mine because they'd live it much better than me, I’m not worth anything to myself. I never wanted to be someone to cause pain on the people I love but now I do, even if that’s just through silence. I just disappear when I haven’t been doing well and  although I know things get better, recovery isn’t linear and that not all my days are bad, I just have extreme chronic feelings of emptiness.

I struggle to trust people because I don't want to be hurt but I need people so much, I hate feeling unloved. It's so overwhelming because I feel everything so extremely as if I’m going to explode.

My sense of self and reality feels destroyed, my future and dreams are uncertain and it's hard for me to move on, sometimes it scares me what I’m doing to people without the intention of it, being too much or not enough- or at least feeling that way. It's hard for me to give myself a reason and it's not on the people around me to fill my empty void, I hate forcing people to be my friend or understand my illness. I cant expect anyone to want to- it feels like I’m holding their hand while they pull it away; and even though it's not the case I feel awful, I constantly feel like I’m in a more pessimistic head space. I'm worried people will realise I'm as pathetic as I say I am.

[elmidol]

Error: Program Not Found - Six

Summary:  You are in charge of programming the droids that work most closely with both General Hux and Kylo Ren. Unbeknownst to you, each of these two men have it in their heads that your relationship extends beyond the workplace. This causes things to escalate quickly when your two apparently secret boyfriends compare notes on their respective partner who is far too similar for their liking.

Read on AO3

“Why can’t you just tell me what you feel, because the way you act is confusing me.”

 Six: Confessions

You were given plenty of space by your coworkers for the remainder of the day. The foul mood that you fell into as you considered the fact that someone had put in an official complaint pertaining to your work worsened with time. A part of you was angry with Kylo Ren and General Hux both; with the former, that he had been there to conduct the test, while with the latter that he hadn’t said it was unnecessary from the start. The First Order was thorough, but so were you. In all the work that you had done for them, you had not given them a chance to question that. One small mistake that had not even been yours, that single thing had cast enough doubt that they had followed through with an official test. The audacity of Kylo Ren, flirting with you as he conducted the test!

 Your upper lip began to draw back so that your teeth were revealed in a snarl. Catching sight of your reflection on the surface of a training droid, you forced your features to relax. TeeArr accepted the round, ball-like droid from you when you tilted it into the protocol droid’s grasp. This was how the training droids left your care to be entrusted with the maintenance crew that would run a mock program as a means of ensuring the droids were at last in working order. This was also the method that those in maintenance had been using to send you other training droids when they required additional programming. Only Eddard braved coming to you directly.

 It was without a doubt that all in the training facility were aware that you had been tested. No one had said a word regarding the matter, which meant that they had known ahead of time. That well explained their tardiness; they had trickled into the area ten to fifteen minutes late. Each person that had arrived had glanced your way. Those kriffing knowing expressions. At the very least it had confirmed your suspicions as to who had lodged the complaint. That sleemo maintenance lead, who right then was stifling a yawn with the back of his hand. He had been ignoring you since he had arrived and in some ways you preferred it this way. The urge to argue with him would have been too great, but that was nothing more than petty behavior that would reflect badly on you.

 Work on the TIE droid for Millicent had been delayed when the engineer assigned to the project had been called into a consultation meeting for another. This was not something that you hadn’t planned for given how common such an occurrence was. Instead of speaking with the engineer later, your plan was to draft up a better outline of the physical therapy droids that you wanted to help design.

 Eddard’s hands wrapped around the droid as you finished disconnecting it from your datapad. You tilted back your head, forced a smile, and asked if he had been assigned any new projects. “Not yet,” he said with a shrug. “You got something?”

 You repeated the first two words of his response to you in unison with making a vague hand gesture in the air to imply that you were working your way towards that goal. Speaking to him had also occurred due to the ulterior motive of you wanting to focus on something more positive to help soften your mood. The anger would otherwise fester to the point that you were blinded by rage when you were at last able to begin outlining the physical therapy droid proposal. Shooting yourself in the foot was not something that you were interested in. On top of that, the only other distraction that your mind had been able to conjure was to think of the way that Kylo Ren had flirted with you. You were not ready to go there just yet.

 With slightly improved spirits you sank into your work for the hours that followed. TeeArr was on his best behavior even after you left the training area with him. There was nothing on your schedule aside from the aforementioned self-appointed task. You had decided to utilize your time as best you could by sending TeeArr off for cleaning while you went to your quarters. The quietude of the room was welcome and more than a little refreshing after a day of repairs. You had not realized that a headache had been forming from the noise until the noise was taken away. Also adding to the tension was that ever lingering memory of Kylo Ren’s flirtations.

 You were not opposed to the idea entirely. It was more that you had never given much thought to it. He hadn’t seemed the type and you were busy. This allowed your thoughts to wander to General Hux and whatever lady he was involved with. How did he do it? The man was busy beyond all reason. You did not see how he could properly juggle a relationship with the duties that were assigned to him. Your mind offered you the memory of how he had treated you.

 Shoving all of that aside, you opened up the file that you had previously started for the project proposal and set to work. You typed up revisions and tentative programs that could be used alongside characteristics from medical droids that would be beneficial to the new ones. You were midway through one of the revisions when a summons from the engineer on the Millicent project arrived. Huffing, you completed the task, saved the file, and packed away your things. It was not that you weren’t pleased to see that work would begin closer to schedule, but more that you hated to have the flow of creativity interrupted.

 The engineer, whose badge read Aelin, was already building a part of the droid by the time you entered. “Was the meeting cut short?”

 “Complications,” Aelin said. He drummed his finger on the surface of the worktable that housed multiple components. “You’ve never been one for gossip, but this one might be worth your while.” You could not contain the urge to roll your eyes. “General Hux and Kylo Ren are, apparently, dating the same woman.”

 You scowled at the news. Not only was this woman two-timing General Hux; Kylo Ren was two-timing her by flirting with you! You felt sullied. Shoulders slouching, you wrinkled your nose in distaste This was the sort of gossip that you wanted nothing to do with. At the same time, a part of you was thankful that Aelin had informed you since you had started to toy with the idea of accepting Kylo Ren’s flirtations.

 “I wasn’t there for the revelation, but Maker if I don’t wish I had been.” You did not share these sentiments. Aelin cleared his throat. “That isn’t why I called you. I’ve been informed of the other project that you will soon be proposing.” A nod from you was all that he needed by way of encouragement to continue. “I would not be in a position to accept the role of lead engineer even if it were asked of me, however I hope that you will recommend that I play a part in it?” A smile spread across your features. Aelin, despite the joy he received from gossip, was someone that you liked more and more as you worked with him.

 You took a seat at one of the unused desks in the room. Aelin had an idea to expand on your droid proposal. While physical therapy droids were beneficial to those recovering from maladies and injuries, there were other issues that officers faced on a more daily basis. Not only officers, but technicians, mechanics, and programmers as well. He shot you a wink as he said this. You smirked to yourself. He was not flirting with you, otherwise you would have found yourself uncomfortable given what you had learned of Kylo Ren’s behavior. Aelin was very much devoted to his partner and uninterested in females.

 The engineer’s addition to your project would utilize the same programming involved in encouraging those the droid was assigned to. This would be to help them complete tasks and remain on target for set deadlines. As Aelin spoke, you typed out his words to be edited once the idea was more fleshed out. You had to be careful to show how these two projects tied into one another otherwise you could be facing a rejection on the basis of overcomplicating things. These droids would be a little more aggressive than their counterparts, albeit not in the sense that they were violent towards the person. An anti procrastination droid that was adaptable to a person’s mental and physical limitations. You could see precisely how this would tie into what you had already been proposing.

 Just as you were typing up a note for how best to merge the two ideas so that they fit together as a single project, the door opened faster than it should have been able to. Your head jerked in that direction. General Hux had his finger pressed on the button that opened the door, meanwhile Kylo Ren had one hand extended out to the side. You never did like when he used the Force in ways that would damage property. You also hated how both men had their attention glued to you. General Hux was glaring and you could only imagine that Kylo Ren was doing the same if his posture gave you any indication.

 “You were rather clever with the TR8-0R name. Was that a joke?”

 “I’m sorry?” It felt like your brain had stopped functioning properly. Aelin ducked down behind the desk that he had been working at. His hands drew the portions of the TIE droid he was working on with him. You looked away from the engineer to face the two men that you worked for.

 General Hux’s lip curled back in a snarl. The disgust that was present in his gaze fought against disappointment and hurt. You flinched at the sight of it and wondered again what it was that you were being accused of. You were doing what you could to be understanding. The blow to his pride because of his girlfriend’s actions would be a fresh wound. It confused you further, therefore, that he had allowed Kylo Ren to accompany him. Or was Kylo Ren simply that cruel? The two men often bickered in regards to work methods. This was very different, and you were at a loss for how to conduct yourself.

 Glancing first at General Hux then at Kylo Ren and back again, you set aside your datapad and rose to your feet. Kylo Ren had his hands curled into fists. General Hux’s glare had not lessened in intensity.

 “I swear to the Maker that I was unaware of what was going on in your personal life. The TR8-0R droids, that name, had nothing to do with--”

 “My personal life?” he snapped, cutting you off and taking a step forward. You recoiled. Ducked your head and furrowed your brow while looking towards the masked face to General Hux’s side. Kylo Ren had started to open his hands. His relaxed stance did not last for long, however, as he clenched his hands into fists again. “There is confirmation that you engaged in flirtatious behavior with Kylo Ren. Do not deny it. You are the guilty party as much as he is.”

 You blinked thrice in rapid succession. “He, uhm, yes flirted with me. I did not--what does that have to do with…” Realization began to dawn on you. What Aelin had said the latest gossip was repeated in your head. “One moment. Let’s get something straight: I’ve never dated either of you!”

 There was a sound coming from where Aelin remained hidden behind the desk. It was like a soft gasp that drew attention to the fact that he had been working on the project. He failed to resume after seeming to recover from the shock of how you had spoken to Kylo Ren and General Hux. That, or his surprise stemmed from the rumored girlfriend having been revealed. You had to admit that you were just as stunned, and you tried to go over any behavior that you had exhibited that would have given them this impression. It also shed light onto their behavior. The flirtation. The gift of lotion.

 Kylo Ren had stiffened when you had denied having been involved with him. General Hux had looked as though you had physically slapped him. They turned to study one another. Perhaps wondering if you were trying to save face, if you were covering for your boyfriend by denying things in public. In order to set things clear you pointed to each of them in turn and repeated what you had said.

 “I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, and I can assure you, General Hux, that I would not have accepted the lotion if I had known.”

 Kylo Ren stepped closer. You winced as he raised his hand and reached for your face. In truth you had expected him to use the Force to harm you given his track record with First Order personnel. Instead he cupped the side of your face with that gloved hand. The leather was smooth save for on the seams, which dragged along the flesh of your cheek. You trembled at his touch, still waiting to be hurt. General Hux moved forward. He knew better than to lay his hands on Kylo Ren and so splayed a hand on your chest to shove at you instead. Not hard enough to force you to the ground, thankfully, but enough where you stumbled backwards a few steps. The two men once more faced one another with tension so thick it made your breath catch in your throat.

 “Perhaps we should discuss this in a more comfortable setting.” You did not want to discuss it at all. The idea of doing so was more nerve racking than any work proposal you had ever given. It did not escape your notice that General Hux and Kylo Ren were both reluctant to release these romantic feelings they had for you. Nor were they giving into anger now that they had been made aware you had not cheated on either of them. Whatever delusion they had been entertaining themselves with, they wanted to make it a reality.

 Before anything more got underway, you wanted clarity on how a conversation revolving around their “girlfriend” had occurred. Voicing as much in a respectful tone, you received another round of silence that was followed by General Hux clearing his throat. The redhead shot a glowering look in Kylo Ren’s direction while he spoke. The test that you had been forced to undergo had led to General Hux commenting that having a work-driven significant other contained many benefits. Kylo Ren had responded in surprise that they agreed on anything. That devolved--your words, not his--into comparisons as to what made their girlfriend the superior one. Despite the differences highlighted in their respective observations, the similarities had been too eerie.

 This changed things for you. Nevertheless annoyed by the misunderstanding, you were suddenly quite flattered that they each had praise for your character. They respected you as more than a worker. Then again, you thought, it was this idea of you that they had, those versions that they had fallen in love or lust with and some deluded relationship with. Aelin was surely getting a kick out of this. TeeArr’s absence was quite the blessing.

 That thought led to another, specifically the nature of Kylo Ren’s flirting and what had inspired him to be so bold. Your cheeks began to grow warm with the realization that he had most likely been imagining you in compromising positions when the droid had mentioned the pornographic holovids. You averted your face and raised your hands to block your countenance from view. These actions silenced General Hux, who had been asking if you had truly been so oblivious to his affections. You could not focus on that. Instead you were thinking of the proposal that you had been working on for the physician therapy and anti procrastination droids. A chunk of the notes that you had typed up had been written with General Hux in mind as one of the audience members. Everything was falling apart.

 You forced yourself to calm down by taking a deep breath and standing as straight as you could. “General Hux? Commander Ren?” The former nodded while the latter did not react at all. “Is this going to have an impact on the droid proposal? Or any of the other projects?”

 General Hux opened his mouth to speak then paused and closed it. He thought for a moment before again opening his mouth. This time he did say, “I will recuse myself from the board for the proposal. It is not by any bias that I find the droids beneficial to the First Order. As for the project with Millicent, perhaps it would be misguided to continue work within my quarters. A new location will be set up for you to observe Millicent with the droid once it has undergone the basic tests.”

 Both you and General Hux looked to Kylo Ren for his answer. “You are always welcome to my quarters. This changes nothing.” He had a way with making you blush, but you could not say that his words weren’t welcome. The awkwardness of this misunderstanding would have repercussions yet that did not have to include your job itself. You gave a nod of thanks rather than explicitly saying the words for fear that they would imply an acceptance of his invitation to his quarters.

 The two men left together just as they had arrived together. Both glowering at the other. Walking with clenched fists. Their rivalry taking on another layer, this one more personal. You were not thrilled to be a part of that.

 Aelin stood after the door to the room closed. You shot him a half-hearted glare before turning back to your datapad and reopening the file that you had been composing. You scratched the side of your head. It took only a minute for you to decide how best to phrase the proposal now that General Hux’s absence at the meeting was a certainty. Having Aelin’s backing for this project would hold more weight, and you were pleased that his desire to be a part of this had not wavered though he had witnessed what had just transpired. As you typed, you peeked over at the droid part that Aelin had been working on since before you had come. It was larger in size, and you recognized it now as being part of the body.

 Millicent would miss you, you thought, and Eddard would not be oblivious to the fact that the two of you were no longer allowed to enter General Hux’s quarters. The gossip that you so loathed was about you. That would get out. Aelin did not have to utter a word for it to happen. The poor mood that you had been in earlier after the test returned tenfold.

 General Hux had made you wear uncomfortable heels despite believing that the two of you were dating. Kylo Ren had been the one to conduct the test to check for flaws in your work ethics even though he was under the impression that you were his girlfriend. It might be that they did not allow their personal lives to interfere with their work, or it might be that they would make shitty boyfriends.

 A small red circle of light drew you out of your thoughts. You looked up and over at Aelin. He grinned good naturedly and depressed the button that had activated the laser that Millicent would be able to play with when the TIE droid was finished. Dwelling on the negative was not going to do you any good. The present allowed you time to ignore that before others tried to make a greater mess of things.

 “There will be other scandals,” Aelin assured you. “With this one, you might be in luck. Kylo Ren and General Hux do not seem the types to stand for this gossip taking over the lives of everyone here. It’s not good for business. It might, dare I say it, be something that can be used for the droid proposal.” You tilted your head in curiosity. “Procrastination can occur when one becomes more caught up in rumors that add nothing to the First Order. Use this situation to your advantage.” He was not wrong, and you decided that you were going to do exactly that.

[davidman5050]

What Does it Mean When You Dream About Someone

"In the case of fantasies using intense content, like perishing, it might be worth noting there was a lot of mental energy to such a fantasy," Dimitriu explained. Can you call a catastrophe into your own dream? When seeking to interpret a dream, it will help you to focus less on specific particulars and a lot much more along how it made you are feeling. Consider these feelings relate with what is going on in your life. If you are getting a tricky time working with recurring what does it mean when you dream about someone or ongoing anxiety, then talk with a doctor or mental health practitioner. A qualified therapist is able to help you function with anxiety dreams. 

Dreams about family members dying Tired about decreasing are now rather ordinary and Could reflect: Dreams about pets perishing companionship Risks to relatives When a star dies in the fantasy, it is most likely not about the star. The meaning could lie in who or that which that particular celebrity represents for your requirements personally. Talking about yourself perishing could indicate you're in a important life transition. Such fantasies may be a portion of the grieving procedure or a manifestation of how you overlook somebody who's no longer in your own life. You awaken having a profound awareness of reduction yet strangely unburdened. 

You've got a frequent dream about anyone dying -- but in all probability, it doesn't have anything to do with your buddy or death. Leftover remnants of the day thoughts and events By way of example, in the event you awakened feeling fearful and anxious, you may consider if you are worried out about shifts on your life or dreading the unknown. Things we dream around are often logos to different things. Thus, dreaming of departure might be part of the bereavement procedure or a representation of excellent shift on your own life. It's not unusual for terminally ill individuals to fantasy about loved ones who have expired, according to some 20-16 studyTrusted resource carried out in India. 

And a tiny 2014 surveyTrusted Source unearthed that it's perhaps not unusual to fantasy of somebody you've recently missed. What can dreams about visiting a person deceased me an relating to you personally? Figuring out concerning the death of the close friend could signify problem for this person. It may also indicate your friendship is experiencing shift or which you'd like to be free of this individual. Whenever you dream about someone you care about dying, it may be caused by modifications -- if actual or perceived -- to your relationships. security You may even ease into a peaceful snooze by scheduling wind-down time before going to bed. Ensure that your bedroom does not have any glowing electronics and different resources of lighting. 

Dreams excite emotions -- and those emotions will be able to allow you to relate a fantasy to events in your life. But dreams can not always be deciphered. Take Away "the target ultimately may be to keep away from having this sort of dreams, but rather strategy them together with fascination to better understand them," Dr. Alex Dimitriu, '' of Menlo Park Psychiatry & Sleep medication in California, told Healthline. It might be described as considered a symbolic linking to your partnership, a job, or perhaps a residence. It may represent an integral part of you that can be dying or even something you may like to flee. Can you avoid or prevent dreams involving departure? The aforementioned small 20-16 studyTrusted resource found that end-of-life dreams are common. Terminally ill folks claimed dreaming about loved ones who've already passed on. 

Dreams on you perishing Letting go or setting yourself free Feeling from hands injury "Inside my job, once thoroughly exploring subconscious and conscious explanations of dream content, some times we're left without a obvious answer," Dimitriu explained. And when you dream about someone of one's pet dying might signify the concern with lack of the 3 traits. Exactly what exactly do fantasies of some one falling into their passing indicate? Insecurity or deficiency of self-confidence In the event you awake in the nighttime, then use heavy breathing or other relaxation exercises to get straight back to sleep soundly. If that doesn't get the job done, wake right up and do something relaxing until you're sleepy again. You will dream concerning your furry friend dying if they are old or sick and you are truly concerned regarding them. Dreams about celebrities dying However, your pet may signify something else, for example: Simply random A 2018 study on childhood nightmares discovered that common topics comprise: "Lastly, from time to time, a cigar is just a cigar, and a few fantasies are really random," he added. Relaxation The symbolism of decreasing can go hand-in-hand with all symbolism of dying -- either can represent a finish, an beginning, or both. Dreaming is an all organic use of our sleeping brains. The truth is that everyone wishes. He noted that the significance of allowing the person experiencing the dream draw decisions, in place of plant thoughts inside his or her thoughts. 

This is a process which could take some time. Read as we take a closer look at fantasies of expiring, exactly what they mean, and also if there's reason for worry. In the event you awakened feeling very good, most likely you're accepting something on your own life is finishing and also you're adopting a fresh beginning. If you're troubled by frequent stress-related fantasies, it may help to discuss things out having a professional therapist. Dreams about deceased Family Members For those who aren't overly ill or mourning a loved ones, nonetheless, your desire may not really be on departure whatsoever. Alternatively, death could reflect change or a period of changeover. Remember the significance supporting the fantasy may well not need anything to accomplish with that friend whatsoever. On the contrary, it might relate with exactly that which that friend represents in your life. 

These dreams tended to be non-threatening, and the people in the dreams were regarded since they've been in their own prime of wellness. This could possibly be a coping mechanism. An ongoing sub-conscious theme or sense You call out to a best buddy, however there is absolutely no answer. You shake off them gently nudge their shoulder before it dawns on you they're not sleeping. They're lifeless. Lifeless. You hit to these but the length between you personally develops until finally eventually they turned into one with the fog. How dreams function Many people reported that these fantasies to become pleasant or each agreeable and upsetting. A number of respondents stated that they certainly were simply upsetting. It could even be that you've been putting your own needs on the back burner in favor of everybody. 

Part of you feels failed and also can be well known for care. Types of fantasies regarding death While it could be upsetting to dream about departure, remember that dreams aren't forecasts and must not be studied at face value. Dimitriu, who is double board certified in psychiatry and sleep medicine, states dream content can be: Dreams of a person perishing could be more unsettling, nevertheless they shouldn't be used practically. Death in a dream  sleeping music experience relaxing music (music for sleeping) may signify the ending of some thing and the beginning of anything new. Truth about buddies dying Recurring dreams about passing can be the end consequence of ongoing tension and unresolved troubles. Attempt to recognize the exact reason behind stress in your waking life. Confronting the issue might help stop your dreams. Departure Death may appear in many varieties of dreams. When it really is your death or somebody else's, there is a good chance that your fantasy is actually about unresolved difficulties.

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[yogaposesfortwo]

4 Ways to Awaken your Creativity

Despite the title, what you’re close to read is way more about not doing, than doing. Today, many folks are experts at doing. We check tasks, reply to emails, schedule social events and infrequently spend each day without documenting some aspect of our lives on social media. All of this achieving sends messages to the brain that give us a touch hit of dopamine and adrenaline – we feel a way of happiness and pleasure that we’re achieving, and we’re amped-up to try to to more… The thing is, all this doing means we tend to spend much of our time during a reactive and restricted state of mind, with a narrowed perspective on life and a diminished ability to use our creativity. Creativity, it seems, needs space. It needs freedom, and if we will tap into our creative power, research shows we’re likely to feel less stressed and more relaxed, we’re likely to return up with new and interesting ideas, more efficiently problem-solve, and begin feeling far more present with each moment. Search online for ‘creativity’ and you’ll see countless YouTube videos on ‘How To Be More Creative’. in fact however, we have already got an abundance of creativity bubbling away within us, it’s just usually covered over by being ‘busy’ and getting to to-do-list-type tasks. We are already creative, we just got to create the space for it. Pause for Creativity Running on the treadmill of lifestyle often means we’re stuck in habits and states of mind that leave little room for creativity. In an age when time is money, and dalliance is actually a modern-day sin, allowing time to pause and for the mind to wander are some things many folks probably attempt to stop ourselves doing. It seems however, that pausing and even day-dreaming is that the exact action that permits us to tap into creative energy. In a discussion with the Dalai Lama , Eckhart Tolle uses football to elucidate the need of pausing. He says that the likelihood of a player scoring a goal during a penalty shootout is dramatically increased once they take a flash to pause before kicking the ball, as against the players who reactively attempt the goal as soon because the whistle is blown. This moment of pausing allows us to attach to a ‘non conceptual intelligence’ and a ‘deep, intensely alive stillness’, redirecting attention faraway from the specified outcome (which we've no control over) and therefore the specialise in ‘I, me, my’ (the ‘ego’) . Tolle says that this deeper reservoir of awareness is where all true creative power resides. to seek out this for yourself, try pausing before launching into an ingenious task, taking regular breaks to pause throughout the day, and spending time in un-structured quietness, taking note of the deeper awareness within. Go for a Walk Whilst stillness may be a powerful thanks to hook up with creativity, walking is additionally referred to as one among the foremost creativity-enhancing practices there's . Researchers at Stamford university found that taking a walk boosts creativity by about 60%, and lots of of the world’s most famous creatives like artist Picasso , writer Henry David-Theroux, composer Beethoven, and writer Woolf were loyal to their daily walks. Woolf’s walks in London were said to offer her great inspiration, and she or he often walked for hours in London parks. What these successful artists also had in common was that nearly all of them stopped working to enjoy dinner with family and friends – no phones or out-of-hours emails! once they worked, they worked, and once they chose to prevent , they really stopped, which allowed time for his or her brains and bodies to re-set before another day of creativity. to spice up your own creativity, try taking a daily walk without the interruptions of technology, emails social media. Get Into The Flow State The ‘flow state’, also referred to as being ‘in the zone’, is described as a state of being ‘fully immersed during a feeling of energised focus, full involvement, and delight within the process ’. The word absorption may be a pretty accurate thanks to rdescribe the flow state, and it’s likely you experience this without realising whenever you’re engaged with certain tasks. Being during a state of ‘flow’ has been characterised as having the subsequent components in combination: Intense concentration on this moment Actions and awareness merge Loss of reflective self-consciousness A sense of private control over things Altered sense of your time Experiencing the activity as being meaningful and rewarding Being so absorbed within the experience that other needs become negligible When of these experiences are combined, we seem to encounter what many yogis describe as deep states of meditation; where the sense of ‘I, me, my’ disappears, and we’re fully immersed within the here and now . we will experience a ‘flow state’ with any activities that need focus which we enjoy, like running, playing an instrument, knitting, practicing yoga, writing, playing a sport, cooking or gardening. within the flow state, the mind is released from its usual day-to-day functioning, and Alpha brainwaves are most dominant. Alpha brainwaves are the frequency between the conscious and subconscious , also present during deep relaxation. This state allows those often original and artistic thoughts to occur that appear to ‘come out of nowhere’. Change the Scenery to Awaken your Creativity If you would like to feel differently and spark new, creative ideas, try taking a visit somewhere different, walking a special route, or just changing where you would possibly sit to figure from home. Our brains form habits quite easily, and we’re triggered by external queues all the time without even realising it. An example of this is often the space you practice yoga in, or maybe your yoga mat; once upon a time, you actively chose the space you practiced in, and you made a choice on which mat or set of props you were getting to use. Now, once you step into your practice space or get on your mat, you start to trigger all the thoughts and sensations you've got about yoga. Your external environment flips a switch in your internal environment. This also happens once you walk into your kitchen within the morning and automatically start making a cup of coffee, or once you open your laptop and instantly attend check your emails. The more we repeat these habits, the more we shape how our mind works. As you'll have experienced during lockdown however – doing an equivalent thing a day can start to lose its enjoyment! To awaken your creativity, change your external scenery, and along an equivalent lines – try experimenting with different sorts of yoga, different guided meditations, or interacting with new movement practices you’ve never tried before! Author: Emma Newlyn Source: https://www.yogamatters.com/blog/4-ways-to-awaken-your-creativity/ Discover more info about Yoga Poses for Two People here: Yoga Poses for Two Read the full article

[script-a-world]

What are your five rules to new authors about world building? I struggle with this, as a minimalist author. And I would love suggestions on how to build a world in as few words as possible, while the description is still efficient and powerful.

Constablewrites:

Teach us about the world through the characters interacting with it. If your characters never interact with it, is it really relevant to your story?

Culture and society all ultimately derives from people--what they know about the world around them, how they survive in their particular environment, how they ensure the survival of future generations, and so on.

Conflict and tension come from limitations. Infinite and/or ill-defined power kills a reader’s emotional investment.

Don’t answer a question we haven’t asked. Context first, then explanation only if necessary.

Your reader will comprehend your world based on what they know of ours.

Personally, I think minimalism can be a good thing! New authors tend to err on the side of waaaaaay too much world building and explanation thereof. The best way to figure out the balance is to read closely. If you’re reading something that makes you feel really present in the scene, pay close attention to how they do that: the details the author chooses, the things they merely suggest or infer, the senses being evoked, and so on. And remember that contemporary literature has to world build just as much as genre stuff does; I’ve spent just as much time on a ranch as I have on Mars, so while I might be bringing more knowledge/assumptions to the table I’m still relying on the writer to make the world come alive.

Brainstormed:

Do you enjoy what you’re making? If not, let the idea lie fallow to be recycled, and ask yourself what would make you enjoy the worldbuilding again. Even if what you’re doing will never show up in your story, it’s still worldbuilding and therefore great. Just prioritize plot-relevant details, and make sure to have fun.

How different would the plot and/or characters be if this detail was changed? This question allows you to figure out the really vital parts of your world and its natural consequences in your story. The details that don’t affect much of your plot/characters are still good, as they add depth, but okay to parse down for a more minimalist perspective.

How far am I willing to ask my readers to suspend their disbelief? Can be asked of specific parts of your world, like magic systems or physics or geographical oddities, or of your setting in general.

Is this self evident? That is, does this part of your worldbuilding become foundational to the plot and/or setting in such a way that the reader understands and extrapolates without ever requiring the dreaded infodump? Not every detail has to be self evident, and in fact I don’t think every detail should be. There’s plenty of things about the real world that I would love to absorb infodumps about, but the way the sun in the sky affects my day to day life requires no context.

Breadth vs. depth, which is more a function of your plot and cast than setting. If your plot follows your characters wandering through a great deal of varying places/cultures/times/etc or a very diverse cast of different races/beliefs/jobs/etc, you’ll need a lot of distinct and interconnected settings with just enough detail to function and stick out as unique in the reader’s mind. Buckling down on a single world/culture/nation/etc to flesh out its complexities and variants will get far deeper into the why’s and how’s of your plot and/or characters, just be careful not to turn it into an encyclopedia instead of a story. (of course, you could do like me and create a lot of breadth and then murder yourself by trying to achieve depth with all of it)

Saphira:

Worldbuilding itself, and setting up the world, comes before the writing in my book. I find that chronic descriptors fall into two categories:

Those who know their world so well that they want to tell EVERYTHING. These I affectionately call the Gushers.

Those who are discovering their world as they write. The world is a mystery to them until the written word tells the writer where they are. These I affectionately call the Explorers.

I suspect you are concerned about being the former. In my gut, however, I suspect you may be the latter. Now there are different rules for each method.

FOR GUSHERS: Use Constablewrite's rules. Those rules underline what's important.

Worried you're still overboard? Count your paragraphs. How many has it been since something happened?

FOR EXPLORERS: Write as normal. Then go over it and look for the things Brainstorm mentions! Highlight them, or copy the stuff on another document.

When you get to rewriting your work, look at your notes and see what you feel is important! You've already explored, so now you can filter.

Worldbuilding in the scale that we know it is relatively new to novel-writing. (Thanks to Sci-Fi and Fantasy authors in the 1950's? Ish? Research it. Cool stuff.) That being said we're already getting really good at it. We've seen the wild phenomenon of cultural diving that Lord of the Rings, Star Trek and Harry Potter have had, and we want to give our readers the same experience!

Though I will note, what draws a reader into the world is the intrigue of the questions they can ask! If we can give our readers just enough information about the world to ask the coolest, deepest questions? We have succeeded.

Tex: I'm not a big fan of generalized advice, especially in regards to "new"... anything. I'm not aware of either your flaws or your strengths, though your use of "minimalist author" intrigues me - what do you consider minimalism? Is it descriptions, is it settings, is it dialogue? Is it something else?

I don't know whether this minimalism is the result of developing your writing voice or the result of underdevelopment in various writing skills, so I hesitate to give any concrete answers. In that respect, I would like to recommend @scriptstructure for the finer points of writing descriptions.

The others look to have covered about everything on this topic, but I would like to reiterate the idea that worldbuilding for the purpose of exposition is heavily dependent upon the plot. Whatever the focus of the plot is, and to some degree that of the characters, is the focus of your worldbuilding.

What's important to your story? Can you remove an element and still make sense? Those are consistently my two biggest guides when worldbuilding because everything outside the immediate needs of the plot are usually extraneous.

Feral: I don’t have rules so much as questions to provide some guidance for new writers getting into worldbuilding.

What quirk of character or plot stands out as being from a society different from my own, and what society would produce this? For a sense of verisimilitude in fantasy and sci-fi, it’s important that the characters not be reproductions of who you would expect to meet in the author’s own society especially when that society does not reflect the author’s own. Dragons, a post-singularity Earth, and a hundred other things that cast the story in a specific genre would create very distinct pressures that would lend themselves to different worldviews, economies, traditions, etc.

Would a particular feature of the world make my character or the plot more interesting? Would it create more problems than it would solve? I always advise against creating a feature of the world that solves your characters’ problems. Features of the world should either a) provide a lovely flavor or b) create obstacles for your characters to overcome or c) both. New writers, particularly those who don’t want too much superfluous flavor might look at Premise Brainstorming, or “In a World Where…” brainstorming to create world ideas that tie directly to the character and/or plot.

Am I avoiding describing something because it is not in my style or doesn’t fit the narrator’s voice? Or am I avoiding describing something because I can’t picture it in my mind or lack the confidence to execute it? This is me all the time. 2 decades of writing, and my first couple drafts are always a little lean on world details because I’m still wrapping my mind around what things really look like and how to take the image in my brain and translate it to the page. It’s ok to take your time getting the world rendered out; that’s what multiple drafts are for.

How have writers I admire and whose writing style matches what I want for myself handled the question of worldbuilding? If you’re not familiar with The City and the City by China Mieville, I strongly recommend checking it out. When I think of so-called minimalist world building, that is what I think of.

Do I know enough about my world to know what is important and what is not important to include? I recommend the Iceberg Principle for newer writers/builders: 90% of the world isn’t gonna make it into the story. So, that 10% better be enough and relevant.

[imetacognition]

In the In-Between

Genevieve Renshaw had her hands deep in the pockets of her jacket and the fists were clearly outlined within, but she stood in front of the door calmly as she waited for Mr. Davidson to open up. The gates were massive and metallic. The president referred the place as a house. The populace undoubtedly would call it a palace. To Renshaw’s straightforward eyes, it uncommonly looked like a fortress. It was built on an eminence that overlooked the city. Its walls were thick and reinforced. Its approaches were covered with surveillance cameras and guards. A swift beep resounded as the gates opened slowly.

A crackling voice could be heard through a speaker.

“Mrs. Renshaw, please come in”, it said. The voice was urgent. She stepped into a small, delicate room with minimal decorations. To her surprise, it was cold. She looked around. The lights were strongly dimmed and she couldn’t make out whether the room even had any windows in it. The room was longitudinal and a unidimensional tube of light that guided the path to a single door. Either way, it didn’t seem to be very welcoming for an entrance hall. Faint steps came to her direction and became louder the closer they got. Milton Davidson approached her with a soft smile on his face.

“Mrs. Renshaw, glad to see you. Your report, of course, arrived before you did and I was just studying it.” His handshake was firm and strong. There was no room for further elation in him. “There’s a problem with the computer.”, said Renshaw.

“So it seems”, he said and scratched his head. “But we still couldn’t quite figure out why.” He was one of the best programmers in the world. He studied programming at the University of Moscow and had been researching new advanced computers with positronic brains for 10 years. He was the owner of the palace and responsible for the computer. “To begin with, no human mind has created those equations directly. We have merely spent decades programming more powerful computers and they have devised and stored the equations, but, of course, we don’t know if they are valid and have meaning. Or what they mean exactly. It depends entirely on how valid and meaningful the programming is in the first place.” He looked at Renshaw as they walked through the corridor. “That’s why I had to call you. You’re the only one that can solve it.”

Davidson held his key against a black screen and the door slid open. “After you.”

They entered a large room that was flooded with a warm light. Row after row of neatly lined up books with their spines facing outward, colour coded with dots, each section arranged in alphabetical order. There was a clean, beautiful chessboard floor and about fifty shelves fanning out from the centre. Six or seven people were busy dusting off the books. It seemed that they haven’t been used in a while.

“A library- how old fashioned”, remarked Renshaw.

“The data-centre is malfunctioning, so we’re trying to solve the problem in a, well, outmoded way”, said Davidson hastily. “I have every confidence”, he said stolidly, “that you already have some ideas as what procedure ought to be followed.”

“I’m not sure”, she said. “I have to see the computer up close. I have studied robotics. That’s not the same thing. I’ve had access merely to text material dealing with Russian robotics. Your material is well in advance of anything else.”

Davidson turned his face towards Renshaw and smirked.

“It is indeed, and we’re proud of it. We put all our research in the past decades into AI. For the last twenty years or so, AI has been focused on the problems surrounding the construction of intelligent agents, systems that perceive and act in a particular environment. In this context, intelligence is related to statistical and economic notions of rationality – that is, colloquially, the ability to make good decisions, plans or interferences. As a result of this recent work, there has been a large degree of integration and cross fertilisation among AI, machine-learning, statistics, control theory, neuroscience and other fields. The establishment of shared theoretical frameworks, combined with the availability of data and processing power, has yielded remarkable successes in various component tasks, such as speech recognition, image classification, autonomous vehicles, machine translation, legged locomotion and question-answering systems.”

Renshaw took a last glance at the shelves as they walked past the last dusty book. They now stood in front of a large double-sided door that opened with a fizz. Behind that door, there was a large enigmatic room with shiny black tiles. Floor and walls were covered in it. The whole ceiling was illuminated with a frail, blueish light. A rather substantial cube resided in the centre. The dark room was like a place out of time, a place to rest without consequence. The darkness in that way was almost like a sanctuary, a place to recharge and forget the things the world said had to be done. There was something in there that was like a promise, like the world before dawn. With each movement they made, their reflection melted with the tiles and it almost took on their form, waiting for making it real. They were standing in front of the computer. The brain that controlled the whole city and its infrastructure.

Davidson guided her towards the main panel and noticed her amazed look on her face. “I know that the world was afraid of AI and how it would evolve, that’s why they stopped researching it- even forbid doing it. But how we connect with the digital world is key to the progress we’ll make in the future.”

Renshaw looked back at Davidson.

“As long as it’s controllable, as a tool”, she said, “it’s authorized for usage. We’re allowed to use AI as a toolkit, AI can augment our existing intelligence to open up advances in every area of science and society- however- it will also bring danger. While primitive forms of artificial intelligence developed so far have been proved very useful, I fear the consequences of creating something that can match or surpass humans.” Renshaw tapped her fingers on the screen anxiously. Davidson looked at her.

“You already surpassed humanity, that’s why you’re here. He took her by the arm and inspected her metal-like skin on it. “You are the result on what the rest of the world has been trying to do. To enhance human cognition through positronic augmentations. You’re the first one of your kind. And you did this because you were afraid that AI, made purely out of equations, will surpass you.” He let go of Renshaw’s arm.

“What you’re doing here is forbidden”, she murmured.

“In here- it isn’t”, he said. “Now let’s take a look at the equations, you and your augmentations are the only one that might understand what’s going on.”

She did not have to go very far in her testing before she called very peremptorily for a transcript of the computer-drawn plans of the positronic brain-paths and the taped instructions that had directed them. Her iron-gray hair was drawn severely back; her cold face, with its strong vertical lines marked off by the horizontal gash of the pale, thin-lipped mouth, turned intensely upon Davidson.

“What is it, Renshaw?”, he asked.

“It makes no sense. The computer checked out negative for all attempts at flaw-finding. Many of the higher functions have been cancelled out by these meaningless directions that the result is very like a human baby.” Davidson looked surprised, and Mrs. Renshaw took on a frozen attitude at once.

“But the heat got turned down, the automatic water system and the infrastructure was paralyzed. It has to be malfunctioning!” Davidson exhaled sharply.

“I am not.” Simple letters appeared on the screen.

The two glared at the screen. Davidson relaxed his tense pose and took a step back from the screen. He exhaled calmly.

“I believe I know what’s happening”, he said. “We wanted to make the computer self-sustaining by feeding it all of humanities data. And it overloaded and stopped working. But now, through your interference, well, it gathered all the rest of the data it needed”, he explained. “It is not only a question-answering machine now. It can do anything.”

“This is wrong.” Renshaw turned around. “We’re supposed to work with technology, go along with it. Use it as a tool. Not let it come that far, let it work for us, not replace us. Machines aren’t human. Will their emotions supposing they have some be mappable, in any sense, onto ours?”

“Programs or machines will acquire emotions in the same way as us humans: as by-products of their structure, of the way in which they are organized not by direct programming“, said Davidson as he glanced upon the ceiling.

“It’s still not the same. It’s not natural. Not human”, Renshaw uttered. “What about a sense of beauty? What about Music? Music is a language of emotions, and until programs have emotions as complex as ours, there is no way a program will write anything beautiful. Not until a machine can write a sonnet or compose a concerto because of thoughts and emotions felt, and not by the chance fall of symbols, could we agree that machine equals brainy that is, not only write it but know that it had written it.”

Renshaw stood before Davidson and crossed her arms. He shook his head.

“A piece of music can have great emotional meaning despite being made of tiny atoms of sound that have no emotional meaning“, he said promptly. ”But a machine is a machine. It doesn’t have to be human. And that’s okay. So who cares about music. We are humans, and we are constantly surpassing our previous ancestors. I think there is no significant difference between how the brain of an earthworm works and how a computer computes. I also believe that evolution implies there can be no qualitative difference between the brain of an earthworm and that of a human. It therefore follows that computers can, in principle, emulate human intelligence, or even better. it” He looked at the grand cube. ”It’s clearly possible for something to acquire higher intelligence than its ancestors: we evolved to be smarter than our ape-like ancestors, and Einstein was smarter than his parents.”

“Intelligence is central to what it means to be human. Everything that civilisation has to offer is a product of human intelligence”, Renshaw countered.

“Emotionally however”, Davidson added to her remark, “we are still apes, with all the behavioural baggage that the issue brings.” He turned his back to her and started walking towards a door in the corner that Renshaw hadn’t noticed. “Come Renshaw, let’s go to the garden, the water is working fine again.”

The glaring light of the garden almost blinded Renshaw’s eyes. The bonsai trees lined the perfect lawn in their wooden boxes. In the centre there was a large pond with flowering lily pads and a wooden bridge that crossed the middle so one could look down at the koi carps. The flower beds were a riot of May colour and even on close inspection they were weed-free.

“Our unique computer; it was suggested that this would result in a collective intelligence that will be enormously more powerful than all present human intelligence combined.” Davidson gazed at the waterfall pouring down the ceiling into the pond.

“I still think we should shut it down. It can be dangerous”, Renshaw said worryingly.

“When we invented fire, we messed up repeatedly, then invented the fire extinguisher. Don’t worry, we’re making sure that wisdom wins.”

“But what if you’re wrong this time?”, she asked again. Davidson sighed.

“Why don’t you ask our new question-answering machine?”, he proposed. “Let’s go back and use it as a tool to our advantage, just like you always wanted to.”

They walked back into the elegant dark room. Davidson patted her on the shoulder. “Alright, here you go, ask away.”

Renshaw shook her head but then took a deep breath.

“What’s the meaning of life?”

A text appeared on the screen again.

“It struck me as an empty and meaningless existence, and that is exactly what it was.“

“This doesn’t make any sense”, said Renshaw. ”However, it is very pessimistic, almost worrying.”

Davidson’s face had a thoughtful expression. He walked to the machine and started checking whether it was actually working properly. “You’re going straight for the big questions, but okay. Why are you so worried about artificial intelligence? Surely we can always pull the plug”, he laughed. ”Ask again.”

“Is there a God?”, she asked.

“There is now”, the computer said and fused the plug.

[zanyanimalstechnologytaco]

My Hero Academia, the series, the fan media, the community all was a mistake of our time

I hate this show. More than Naruto and more than Fairy Tail. I hate Izuku, I hate Kstsuki, I hate how everyone and everything is just being forced to like everything about them, I hate All Might, I hate the Hero Association, I hate how light hearted and shallow arcs end. And I hate how things ended up with my once favorite character, his ship and everything I ever expected to be better became much worse and theres no male based fan media to or communities that allow my project myself in shouto anymore, seriously hes manly than "Cant stop Sparkling" guy now adays based on all the fan stuff he has about being with deku.

Todomomo was a mistake and Todoroki is a mistake. All bnha ships are unholy and wrong. Bnha is all shallowness and impure GARBAGE. I used to love bnha and was a big todoroki fan. But the more I invested through time in this character, the more i felt alone and isolated from the fandoms intention on shouto being bland fangirl fuel, the more I felt more distant from the character and not even the manga supports my reasons to invest in todoroki whom hori treats like the most shoehorned false hype emo in the show. And that offends me deeply, you got all these characters and the ones that you are expected to take seriously (and live through vicariously) are the most important characters in the show. Deku, Bakugou, All Might, Mineta, Kirishima and even Endeavor are these character and he obviously builds up there hidden character development in abilities and progression, shouto still struggles with his own personal development and is basically the same as he started with the added bonus of jobbing.

Oh and all the hype about him being cool and attractive, just irrelevant blanket statement extra tidbit filler, nothing meaningful but to make shouto explained why hes special, I prefer it if the story elaborates this by "showing" it, which the author just skims through with him and hand waves consistancy with contradiction in other following scenes making him seem like a weaker/dumber from before(ex. Fighting Festival(shouto a top tier student in every respect according to deku) to Stain Fight(Shouto is nothing but quirk reliant) according to Stain). Strongest quirk wise, this is all he has for him but even hes not even the most talented or intelligently trained with it, which makes me wonder of all shouto is just a blanket statement based character that just meant to exist to explore how insignificant he is with all his power and advantages compared to the main duo and other coming of age based events involving the cast. Even his father represents this more than his son.

Todomomo seems to relate to this, but its meaningless, just like everything else shouto has been portrayed by fans, based on how much the author puts his narrative into play which is also meaningless in the grander context of the story. Why make momo and shouto work together in the first place only to not build that relationship in future developments.

That pairing I hate(todomomo), I didnt hate in the beginning only to me because it was the only humanizing aspect todoroki had not related to his family and later the forced shoehorned dynamic with deku and bakugou, it made sense because the two are socially awkward people despite their supreme standing in the class and as first years and yet they both encourage each other by standing firm to overcome their own lack of socialization skills to grow as ideal people and improve socially, which seems to be working for momo now not shouto who's still the brooding loner elitist type(only has friends with elitist characters like friends too) . Now it's a husk and a relic of a potential investment in shoutos own story, I dont give a damn anymore, shoutos has no real anticipating developments to compel him to me, his quirk is boring as fuck since it's just a shooting targeting spammer, he isnt a good character to entertain me from a personal way, he really is a broken record of the same issues with a new idea, his family outside of endeavor and overcooked guy is more boring than him, and god I hate him with deku and bakugou which gives me more a reason to not bother with anything about him specifically since they will always overshadow him as story narrative and progress development narrative types, and I hate those two more. They are really just stand ins as horikoshi escapist fantasies, and both of them get more attention than any character as narratives who pretty much get the most attention in doing the most awesome feats and accomplishments as main roles. The new movie was about that. Shoutos accomplishments center around how he plays second fiddle to that basically instead of exploring the potential of being a pure equal to deku and bakugou, he gets the second in command villains or does something less than them in battles they already excell at in quirk control.

It's all worthless, shouto should not be this popular anything, and eventually this reflects in the popularity polls recently, which I noticed in the west from the previous one, shouto was less recieved by a significant margin compared to the main leads as a third place holder, maybe it shows me that todoroki is losing favor slowly, it makes sense, the author is not doing anything with him that makes people catch interest with the plot about strong heroes and villains getting more relevant as major players, while hes stronger than most the class but not plot relevant with his strength like deku has. Bakugou is like just like deku since the plot focuses on his strength to and is naturally stronger than Shouto via being the more badass and more aggressively driven he gets and thus gets as strong if not stronger and more skilled than shouto out of sheer plot armor. Shouto is just getting hotter and cold, bigger and more raw and unrefined in his power, so he has to control it which is still not as grand as bakugous perfect skills and genius and deku grander scaling in brains and brawn. If I were to make a guess, shouto is just going to to be behind them both as a stronger quirk user eventually and more about being a defensively capable than battle capable like kirishima and ochako, fitting for a major yet minor character, which disappoints me even more since shouto can be more battle creative than both of them if the author didnt have a bias in making deku and bakugou better than him despite having a stronger quirk.

God I hate this series. Theres no likable characters that are relatable or even human, there all shallow power and fanservice fantasies, the only character in class 1s that acts less cartoonish and serves as a stand in audience Surrogate is jirou and tail guy, but they are all about being generic looking compared to the unrealistically attractive guys and girls, the looney toon designed comic relief, and the recycled shonen trope cast. But if anything shouto represents all these shallow functions the most, and it's made him a less than a character too, it made him a sellout fan appeal type with no credibility as a character, which is why men dont like him due to not showing much concern to connect to him as a human narrative, at least the characters compared to him are showing why they(despite acting like shallow cliches) are interesting characters to care about, shoutos thing is telling about how tragically sympathetic his character needs to be as the only important thing about him, not as a part of him as a character to endear towards while he grows and helps build up a leading narrative with his development. His story doesnt help any part of the main lead or rivals growth, or his class, or his own personal objectives for his goals as a hero(being like all might and surpassing all might is a all purpose blanket statement to keep him near deku and bakugou as a power hype, not a individual self defined person). Dragging out objectives(season 1: being anti endeavor on surpassing all might which in the end pledges to learn not to do that and become better, season 2.Learning from the festival and from then on to being able to take endeavors legacy and take his training seriously which compared to deku and bakugou isnt enough to show much, Season 3. Promises to make people depend on him, doesnt happen since hes still the unapproachable person people in his class know him for. Season 4. Still makes promises hes gonna be a dependable hero, still accept his fire side, still be his own hero, things he repeats and fails to attempt because hori is lazy or just doesnt care about showing how much hes changed compared to his mary sue duo. etc) that dont happen and are inconsistent with new story details is why shouto is dead to me. High expectations about him are problematic since the author has agendas that don't involve story relevancy about him compared to the actual leading roles, plus the fan reception helps effect how I feel about shouto to, hes not even popular enough to have drawn pornagraphy with most all the girls and high quality momo hentai fanservice artists and circles, fucking mineta and your average joe otaku faceless male is more likely than shouto instead. That's how much the value shouto means to anyone than just a fangirl targeted audience which is just gay or bishi equivalent to sasuke fanworks and the feminine answer to male targeted audiences of characters like deku, bakugou and mineta, the worst and most common types of shonen stock characters in the series.

I hope this series and all the fans get tired of this shit when it gets eventually cancled. Or maybe it has. I dont really keep up with it anymore.

[gg-astrology]

Can you please write about a virgo sun/sag moon combo? I don't find it particularly fair that my bf got to examine me under a microscope. Hahaha. 😂😂 And then sent u an anonymous msg to let u know his thoughts and screenshot it to me after he did that. 😅 He needs to be dissected too!!!! 😤😘😏 (Please open him up fully like how u'd eat a fish and remove its bones. Thank u.)- pisces sun/gemini moon gf speaking!!

I promised I’ll do this earlier on today so here I am 💕💕💕 

[Below Cut: Virgo Sun - Sagittarius Moon ☯️]

These people may not seem like they’re excited for anything, but in reality they’re like a kid bouncing and giddy at the thought of seeing their favourite movie

If they’re reaally reaaally nervous they’re the type to not sit still. Would rather pace around, check their phone, bounce their legs-- they do not care if they’re in public thEY’RE NERVOUS

See the thing here is that Virgo has self-preservation, has tact. They feel awkward showing/expressing that they care for something even when they KNOW it’s ok to care or that it’s expected of them to express it outwards.

(They may mumble, or try to not make eye-contact when they know there’s attention/expectations of people on them. It makes them nervous skdjfn) 

The Virgo/Sagittarius person makes for someone who internally would be having a melt-down but is kind of holding it together on the outside fairly well (poker face/functioning on automatic response)

If they’re really really effected, they become completely flustered on the outside (they feel their senses, like heat and sensory stuff would completely overwhelm them and shut down their brains sometimes) 

Embarrassment in particular, is an emotion they’re very familiar with the response to (feels strongly/intensely about-- cringe factor lvl 1000)

This is more to do with Virgo trying to control the main/body and it’s functioning responses. While Sagittarius is unable to process affectionate feelings in anyways besides explosive (earth/fire)

So while they may be having a complete melt down-- note that if you just take a deep breath, steady/meditate the mind to focus on one thought and then look straight in the face of someone else/something. You can gain control/power over the situation by being unexpectedly truthful and straight-forward about your feeling ONCE (1) in your life.

It’ll completely throw other people off-guard as well, all you need is a moment where the tide is turned in order to quickly grab onto the opportunity and slip back into your calm and smooth facade again.

Aaaah these people. They should realize that they’re actually rather sensitive (emotionally) people. Your environment, tension, stress daily behaviour affects you. If you don’t have enough balance and stimulation between all of those-- you may be prone to getting weak, fatigue, sick or vulnerable often.

Best way to do this is to focus on Virgo first-- Virgo is receptive to their environment, it detects tension and that activates it’s nervous nature. In order to help with this, try to NOT suppress -- let the emotion/anxiety be channeled into a concentrating/meditative state where you can think, analyze, feel or organize these things quickly instead.

Like,, it’ll feel like the emotions are overwhelming you and your first instinct is to shut down/push down-- that’s suppressing-- don’t do that (it’ll make you insensitive or unable to recognize emotionality later)

When it overwhelms you, think of it as like being underwater looking up at the water surface. You may have to hold your breath but if you’re underwater then you can be in a state of complete isolation where you’re only in your own head (that feeling) so you’ll have a better time organizing and recognizing feelings/emotions, knowing how they feel and in turn--- being able to let them past and wash over you instead of suppressing them on the first try.

Sounds good? Ok!

Next is Sagittarius Moon. Who is Always going to make it harder for you not to just be like ‘i g2g’ and abscond without your Virgo ‘wait--’ coming at them.

With Sagittarius Moon-- it’s best to balance it by taking pre-cautionary action. Balance is the key. You have to take some alone time and a ‘change in environment’ some what. Being in the same place or with the same people are stressful for you, because you are receptive to their energy and the exterior environment is where you gain your moods/emotional help as well.

Take walks, schedule a time where you can be alone and have time to contemplate or think about stuff. Have time to take in environments, the trees, the birds, anything at all. Recognizing your sensitivity and receptiveness to others in this way, helps you also acknowledge that you are more sensitive than you realize.

(The thing with Virgo/Sagittarius is that they are so dense to their sensitivity sometimes. Like just as sensitive as a Pisces. But they don’t think they are. Geminis are even less sensitive than them. 

The whole point of this is for them to identify the extent of their sensitivity so they can go ‘oh shit I really am that bitch’ and then learn how to accept that as part of their identity. It’ll help them a lot in humanizing themselves, and being ok with NOT being awkward expressing emotions/vulnerabilities as well. )

 You can’t-- however, walk away from a situation/confrontational fight by changing your environment. Technically you can, and it’ll help you with calming down a lot. But the whole point of this is a release of your inner tension, your internal emotions you may have kept bottled up. You are delicate and very sensitive, yet you don’t allow yourself to get in touch with your femininity as well. (Or rather, everyone has feminine/masculine sides to them. But Virgo/Sagittarius are more used to/prone to exerting their ‘masculine’ side that their feminine side gets completely ignored/swallowed up by it) ---Make sure to check yourself.

These people are generally very considerate-- with Virgo wanting to help others productively/practical things and Sagittarius being a generous sign. These people may have an abundance of personal popularity from others flocking to them (as healers) -- but watch that these people who flock to you aren’t going to take advantage of you (especially since you have loyalty, and be reluctant to doubt those you’ve already committed yourself to) nor getting into bad situation/habits because you don’t want to leave them.

Virgo/Sagittarius people also make for someone who’s quite thoughtful, often has acute minds and able to bring big ideas into smaller details.

They are cautious somehow-- yet also exasperatedly terrible at keeping it completely serious. It’s like when they thought the moment is ‘too stressful’ they have this need to ‘lighten’ the atmosphere-- which can be good, but also bad. 

Because if the situation is ‘heavy’ and needs a confrontational style of approach-- they can be triggered into running away form it again (has to find an escape route ready, can be prone to redirecting or averting attention away from then in confrontations-- something they may need to work on in accepting criticism about themselves especially. ) 

These people would rather show you through action and demonstration, than their words which can sometimes be too heavy/burdensome for them to bear. Despite being a Mercury sign, Virgo native are quite awkward and timid (shy) inside as well. 

Virgo/Sagittarius combination has large pools of tolerance, patience and methodical approach to others. Yet they can also be impulsive, striking out or acting out when they feel like they’ve been ‘cooped’ up for too long.

Finding balance--- again, between getting in touch with both your feminine and masculine nature is good for you. Yin and yang, this will help you further since your Sagittarius is idealistic, and Virgo is pragmatic. In figuring out the bigger scope of your self-development. And that is to become something with your life, no?

You have passion, but you have no where to put them. You have the willingness to work hard, but what for. Only by stabilizing yourself can you figure out how to tie these two things together in a way that doesn’t distinguish each other’s significance. You don’t have to sacrifice anything, either your fire moon or your earth sun. You just have to learn how to let it work best intertwined with each other (united as your strength)

If impulsivity is your issue, then integration of fire x earth and understanding your reason for impulsivity-- your sensitivity is your cure.

Do you see what i mean? It’s more than just meets the eye with you. if you have trouble with something, it’s coming from your inner depth that you’re out of touch with.

Not anyone can take you/help you with soul-searching, but you can definitely learn and grow from others who are more in-touch with themselves than you are (especially Pisces)

(one last note: you may find it hard to NOT express your opinions/beliefs and may be too straight-forward about it sometimes. This might compromise your considerate nature abit. Make sure to keep in mind that you ARE considerate, so that you can act like it and maybe hold your tongue a little. If you feel uncomfortable with it--- good, that means you have more soul-searching to do!🐝)

That’s it!! 💕💕 Ahh I hope this is helpful and I hope you got something out of it?? If it sounds like something you might not be familiar with....I hope you can give it a few more reads later on in life and maybe reflect on it a lil anyways 💕 

sdkjnkdngfknksknf im glad to help you out and get you this analysis so you can roast your boyfriend 💕 I feel like (to the gf) if you can help him with this too, it’ll be really nice for both of you since you may have a productive avenue to exert some of your pisces/gemini energy into as well 💕

Good luck!! 💕💕💕